Forgotten Twilight
by misspink775
Summary: Desperate for a way to cope with her feelings of desperation after E leaves in New Moon, Bella discovers a brand new way to deal at a party in Port A. One night a year after Bella's 18th bday changes everything. Will anything ever be the same? Rated M.R&R Now revamped!
1. Prologue

_**FULL SUMMARY: Desperate for a way to cope with her feelings of desperation after Edward leaves in New Moon, Bella discovers a brand new way to deal at a party in Port Angeles. One night a year after Bella's 18th birthday changes everything. Will anything ever be the same? R&R. Rated M for Mature Themes, Language, Severe Drug and Alcohol usage, and possibly future lemons. ( Not sure I've never written a lemon. I will try though...) If you are sensitive to any of this type of material please feel free to read something else and I am sorry if you are offended.**_

_**A/N This is my first time writing anything on fan fic so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know what you like and what you don't like and what you would like to see worked on. I am willing to take suggestions for this story so leave me a review if you want to see something in later chapters and I just may add it in if it fits where my story is going.**_

_**A/N/N I do NOT own Twilight. I'll leave that up to the great S. Meyer. I still wish I do though :(**_

**PROLOGUE**

**BPOV**

**November**

I lay on my bed staring up at my ceiling just thinking. I do that way too much lately. I am currently trying to come up with a good distraction to forget about all of them. About HIM. All I can do is think about him. He is in every though I have. It wouldn't be so bad if the huge gaping hole in my chest didn't tare painfully and get bigger with every thought. Every memory.

I glace over at my alarm clock on my bedside table. FUCK! Only a few hours until I have to go... How did I let Jessica talk me into this in the first place? There's a party in Port Angeles tonight that Jessica has been begging me to go with her to for the past three weeks. I kept saying no but she kept throwing words at me like boys, music, dancing, and booze, only one of those things sounds any good to me right now and that's the booze. Maybe if I can't stop thinking about him I could use a drink to help me forget if only for a few hours... Finally I gave in and said I would go figuring I could kill two birds with one stone by getting not only getting Jess off my back but also my dad Charlie.

Charlie has been bugging me for weeks to go out and do something with my friends. Every time I look at him in the eyes I see all the worry he has for me. No. Can't have any of that. He has already been talking about making me to see a shrink. Now I don't know allot about psychology but I know you have to be pretty honest if you want to get any help. I have too many secrets I have to keep. Even if I did tell someone everything I knew, all it would get me is locked in a padded cell in a tight fitting white jacket. No. That definitely can't happen.

I pick myself up off the bed and slowly shuffle across my room to grab my bag of toiletries off of my dresser and head over to the bathroom to have a shower.

After my shower I stand in front of my full length mirror in my room holding up different outfits to my body. After much debate I finally decide on wearing my crimson sweater dress that I got for the year before, with my favourite black legging and a pair of black ballet flats. I make my way back to the bathroom to finish doing my hair and makeup. I put on a little black eyeliner and mascara, then dab on a light shinny lip gloss on my lips. I blow dry my hair on the low setting, running a little leave in conditioner threw the roots so it doesn't dry out. I take out my big barrel curling iron and add some loose curls to my hair. When I am done I spray about a can of hairspray on my hair, then I just look at myself in the mirror. I don't even know why I'm bothering. It's not like I'm trying to impress anybody.

I stumble my way downstairs somehow managing not to fall, and go into the kitchen. Jess should be here any minute. I quickly grab a piece of paper and a pen from the drawer by the fridge and write a note for Charlie.

Dad,

Just reminding you that I'm going out with Jessica Stanley tonight. Dinners in the fridge. Take the tin foil off BEFORE putting it in the microwave. Cook it for 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Don't wait up.

B.

I tack the note up on the fridge with a magnet. Just then all the windows in the house start to shake and rattle slightly from too much base from someone's car stereo speakers. I hear a car horn blast outside three times. I peek out the window and see Jessica's burnt orange Sunfire in my driveway. I look in the mirror on my way out the door and put the best smile I can on my face, it still kind of looks like a grimace but it will have to do, and concentrate on keeping it there for the night. I rush out the door to Jessica's car and slide into the passenger seat.

"Hey Jess!" I shout over the loud music blaring from her speakers.

Jess turns down her music a few notches and squeals. "Bella! Oh my fucking God! You look fucking amazing. Thank you soo much for coming with me! I promise it will be a blast."

I have to control myself from rolling my eyes at her enthusiasm. 'Keep it together Swan! You can do this! It's only for a few hours, and then you can go home and quit pretending.' I tell myself mentally for what seems like the millionth time since I agreed to this whole night.

"Jess, you know I could never turn you down. Thanks again for bringing me with you. I really need to get out of the house."

Again I almost roll my eyes. Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to just lock myself in my room all day and never have to leave again. Never having to pretend again that I am happy and alright with my life... God like I even care about life anymore. My entire reason for being is gone. What is left to care about?

'No Bella! 'I mentally scolded myself again. 'I have to keep up the act. If only for Charlie's sake.'

"Girl you know I'm there for you! Plus I have a few plans for tonight that will definitely help distract you and help you get your mind off things. Trust me..." Jess winks at me.

Now she has my full attention. A distraction? Was that even possible? "What kind of plans?" I ask trying to keep myself from hoping too much.

"Just trust me and go with it. Follow my lead. You'll see... I promise it will be great!" With that she cranks the stereo back up and we continue our drive to Port Angeles, all the while Jessica is screaming out the words to random songs in her horribly off key voice. I just sit there staring out the passenger window into the black nothingness thinking.

By the time we pull up to the house in Port Angeles I have decided to go along with whatever Jessica has planned. I'm despret and it's worth a shot. Anything to dull the pain. Maybe if her plan works I won't hurt so badly.

We walk up the path and into the house and it seems the entire population of Forks High school is here. Great. Just. Fucking. Great. And here I was hoping that because the party was out of town there wouldn't be allot of people we knew here. Oh well. What can I do about it? Hopefully no one will see me. I can't deal with all the staring right now.

We make our way through the living room with Jessica stopping every now and then to talk with some she knew. I could feel all the eyes on me. Everyone was looking at me. Probably wondering what I was doing here when I had cast myself as a social pariah. Just then we bumped into Mike Newton and Tyler Crowley.

"Oh, hey Bella! Hey Jess!" Mike shouts over the music. He smiles a really big hopeful smile at me. Yeah... Ummm... How's about no... Tyler has a big grin on his face as well when he sees us.

"What's up? You guys here alone?" Mike asks.

"Yeah, I really needed to get out of the house and Jess over here promised to make all my worries go away. Didn't yeah Jess?" I look over at her hoping to get the spot light off me and see Jessica swaying her hips slightly to the music.

"Damn straight girlie! Now step one of my master plan is to get as many drinks into our hot little bodies tonight as fast as possible." Jess says. Okay... So far not too bad. I was already going to drink my weight in alcohol to try and numb myself. "Oh, Tyler did you get that stuff I asked you to bring?" She continues. Tyler nods his head and hands Jessica four blue pills and two light yellow ones. "Are they any good?" she asks.

Tyler clutches his chest dramatically and says, "Jess, baby. I'm hurt and surprised you even have to ask. Have I ever given you anything you didn't like?" He wags his eyebrows up and brow and then winks at her with a big cheeky grin on his face.

Jess giggles and shakes her head no. She gives Tyler a kiss on the cheek and says "I pay you for it later," and winks at him. With that she turns around, grabs my wrist, and starts leading me towards the kitchen.

"Boys, if you'll excuse us. Bella and I need to get ourselves a couple of drinks. Meet us in the backyard in ten!" Jess calls over her shoulder.

Once we are in the kitchen Jessica hurries about mixing all sorts of alcohol into two plastic cups. She then adds a splash of coke to each. I just stand there staring at Jessica. What did Tyler give here? That wasn't what I thought it was? Was it? If it was how come I didn't know about it before tonight? Maybe I have it wrong... But then again she did talk about paying him for it... Did that mean Tyler was a deal...? I'll just ask her and then I'll know for myself.

"Jess? What did Tyler give you back there?" I ask slightly worried. Strangely enough I am more curious than anything.

"Just a couple tabs of E. You want to try some?" She asks handing me a cup almost filled to the rim.

"I don't know... Isn't that shit supposed to be bad for you? I mean... What does it even do?" I finally asked slightly intrigued.

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. You just feel different... Better... Everything feels really good and tingly... I don't know... Here just take one and find out for yourself. I promise you'll feel really good and I'll keep a close eye on you."

Well I did decide I was going to go along with whatever Jessica had planned for tonight so why not? Who's going to stop going to stop me? It's not like the one person who truly matters the most to me care about me anymore right?

"Okay. I'll try one."

Jessica hands me a single blue pill. I put in on my tongue and down it with some of my drink. I take a few gulps when suddenly my eyes almost bulge out of my head. I have to work hard not to expel the foul liquid from my mouth. My throat burns. My lungs burn.

"HOLY HELL! What the fuck is this?" I ask Jess while I'm still gasping for air.

She giggles and says, "A little bit of everything and a splash of coke for color. It tastes gross the first time you drink try it but it gets better the more you drink. Plus it really does the job so I figure ' Why the hell not? 'Right? Now down that mother and I'll make you another one. Hurry up. We've got to meet the guys in the yard right away." I plug my nose like I used to when I was younger and my mother forced me to eat lima beans, and down the rest of my drink. Already I am starting to feel a little light headed.

Jessica pulls out two more blue pills and pops them in her mouth, then downs her drink. She then sets about making two more drinks. Once she is finished she hands me my cup and we make our way out the back door.

We spot Tyler and Mike sitting with a few people we know from school in a small circle on the grass. Tyler looks up from the conversation he is having and a huge smile spreads across his face.

"Did I tell yeah or did I tell yeah Jessie girl?" Tyler asks with a smug smile on his face when he sees Jessica.

"Mm mm, yeah you told me alright. How are you feeling Bella? Do you feel anything yet?" Jessica asks me.

I think about that for a minute. "Not really. I mean I feel a little tingly but that could be from whatever the hell I'm drinking." I giggle.

"Here take another one then and we will have a hoot while we wait for it to kick in." Jessica says passing me another blue pill. I knock it back with some of my drink. Hmmm... Jess is right. This stuff does get better the more you drink of it. Must be because it's killing both brain cells and taste buds.

Jessica pulls out a black metal smoke pack that has a white skull printed on it. The skull is printed on a bright pink background and has three red roses around its head. In between its teeth is a long steamed red rose. It has three bullet holes in its forehead. Jess opens the smoke pack and pulls out a joint with something brown and sticky on it. It almost looks like a light layer of molasses is coating the joint. She pulls out a pink zippo with a white playboy bunny on it, and lights the joint. She takes a few puffs from the end that's not lit and then passes it to me.

"What's on it?" I ask taking the joint.

Jessica giggles, rolls her eyes and says, "Its oil Hun. Damn you're cute! I forgot you're a newbie to all this. It's called an Oreo. Just take a few quick puffs and hold it in for as long as you can."

I hold the joint between my middle finger and my thumb and bring it to my lips. I take one, two, three, big puffs. All of the sudden I am doubled over hacking my lungs out. I quickly reach out for my drink that Mike is passing me and down half of it, trying to put out the burning fire in my lungs and throat. When I can finally breathe again I feel so embarrassed. No one else is couching like I was and they all took as much as me if not more. I look around expecting to see everyone laughing at me or at the very least staring at me like usual but surprisingly no one seems to have noticed my embarrassing couching fit.

Tyler winks at me and says, "Don't feel bad Bella. As they say ' If you ain't chokin', you ain't token' ' Just take smaller hoots and you won't cough quite so bad next time." He hands me the joint back.

This time I know what to expect. I take the joint between my fingers and lift it to my lips and take two smaller puffs. I hold the smoke in as long as I possibly can before blowing out a big cloud of smoke. I cough a little bit this time but not nearly as much as the first time. We continue to pass around the joint in our small circle until it's finally finished.

Suddenly I feel like I am floating on a cloud. I feel so relaxed. My head is spinning. I slump down on the grass and giggle at little bit at the head rush I feel. This is the most peaceful I have felt since they were last here, I think to myself. I wonder what they are doing right now. Alice is probably driving everyone nuts with her crazy shopping compulsion. She's probably bouncing off the wall with her hyperness like she used to. At this very moment. Emmett is probably cracking jokes at everyone's sex lives and saying things that are really inappropriate. Rosalie is most likely glued to any shinny object she can see her perfect reflection in making sure not a single hair is out of place. Probably gloating that she finally got what she wanted and the human problem is finally out of her families lives for good. Jasper is most likely reading his history books and shaking his head at all the mistake that humans have made about the past. Esme is probably currently working on a current design project. Perhaps their new house they live in, and Carlisle is most likely working long shifts at whatever hospital he transferred to and when he isn't working he is probably do his research about God knows what. I wonder what HE is doing right now... Has he moved on? Probably. He probably found a beautiful vampire mate he could truly love. She probably has long blond hair and is perfect in every way that I'm not. I wait a minute for the familiar pain from thinking about them to come but I just feel numb. It feels kind of nice to be able to think about them without being in pain.

Jess comes over to me and giggles. I look at her and can't help but giggle too. I can't help it, I feel so free. "How are you feeling?" She asks me sitting on the grass next to me.

"Amazing is the only word that comes to mind right now. I finally feel good again. "I smile.

We sit in silence for a few minutes just enjoying our highs and relaxing. Jessica suddenly stands up and grabs my hand. "Come on lets go dance!"

We finish the rest of our drink and head back into the house with Mike and Tyler following right behind us. We make our way through the kitchen and into the living room. The living room has been converted into a dance floor so we make our way onto it and I start to sway my hips to the music. It's like I can feel each note touching my skin, and moving through my body. Moving all around me. It feels wonderful. Tyler puts his hand on the small of my back and leans in to whisper in my ear.

"You feel it now? Don't you? Just go with it... Don't worry; we won't let anything bad happen to you. Do you want another drink?"

I try to concentrate on what Tyler is saying but all I can think about is how amazing his warm hand feels on the small of my back. It's like I can feel each skin cell moving and changing as it moves with the fabric of my shirt. It's sending tingles up and down my spine. I close my eyes and marvel at the sensation.

"Sure!" I say after a moment remembering he asked me a question when he touched me. It's hard snapping out of the trance like state I'm in. I really don't want to... Everything is so much more vivid and clear. It's like i can see the little dust motes in the air... Hmmmm... I wonder if I can catch them all...

Tyler takes me by the hand and leads me back into the kitchen. He keeps chuckling every now again... Hmmm... I wonder what's so funny. "What's funny?" I ask him when we get into the kitchen. He shakes his head and chuckles again, then picks me up and sits me down on the counter by all the booze.

"That's not fair... I want to know what's funny too. Maybe I want to laugh too. You ever think of that? Hmmm?" I ask Tyler starting to give him a hard time.

"Well, honestly Bella... I'm laughing at the situation. If someone would have come up to me a year ago and told me you were going to be at a party in Port Angeles and not only would you be drinking but also doing Ex, smoking pot and above all else _LIKING IT, _I would have laughed my ass off at then and told then to get some glasses and possibly go see a doctor about some crazy pills or something like that. But now I see a whole new side of you. It just blows my mind..."

"Oh. Okay then... I guess I get where you're coming from." I say not really sure what to think.

Tyler then gestures to the counter filled with every different alcohol you could think of. "So my lovely Bella. What's your poison?" Tyler asks me.

"Anything other than what Jess has been making me all night that shit is fucking terrible. I don't know how she can drink it."

"So that's what Jess made you, hey? One of her special witches brews. Everything but the kitchen sinks. The only reason I think she doesn't literally add the sink is because it's too big for the cup!" Tyler snort at his own joke.

I can't help but giggle. It is kind of funny. "I'm not sure what I want though. What do you suggest?" I ask after we have both calmed down from our giggle fit.

"What do you say we do a couple of different shots and then I'll make you a Porn Star?"

"What's a Porn Star?" I can't help but ask.

"It's really good. It's half an ounce of Blue Curacao liqueur and half an ounce of Raspberry Sourpuss. When they mix together they turn purple and taste amazing. You just have to try it to get the whole experience..." Tyler says. "Do you want me to make it in a shot or a drink for you? I can add some 7-Up if you want so it's not as strong." Tyler adds.

"I'll have it as a shot first so I can get the full effect. Maybe if I like it later I'll have it as a drink." I respond.

Tyler nods his head and walks over to the counter with what looks to be hundreds of different bottles on it. He scans threw the bottles before picking one out and pouring some into a shot glass he grabs from one of the cupboards.

"Okay, first we are going to do a traditional tequila shot. Lick the back of your hand." Tyler says turning his back to me to rummage in the cupboards again.

I do as he asks and lick the back of my hand. I giggle as it tickles a little bit. Tyler is facing me again with a salt shaker in his hand and he sprinkles some salt on my hand where I just licked, so it now stuck to my skin. Tyler walks over to a bowl of lemons on the counter top and picks one out. He proceeds to cut it into perfectly neat wedges.

"Okay, so first you lick the salt off your hand. Next you knock back your shot, and then you finish it all off my sucking on your lemon wedge last." Tyler says handing me a piece of lemon. "Ready? Cheers!" We clink our glasses together and take our shots.

Hmmm... Not bad... It burns a little going down but it's a good kind of burn.

"Up next, keeping with the tequila theme you can try some Boha Rosa." He says pouring some creamy, pink, liquid into the shot glasses.

"What does it taste like?" I wonder out loud.

"It's strawberries and cream with tequila. Trust me it's really good. You're going to want more."

Tyler hands me my shot glass again and we clink them together again saying "Cheers." We down out shots and I hand my shot glass back eagerly.

"Damn that was good!" I exclaim.

"Told yeah so!" Tyler laughs at my enthusiasm.

"I want more of that! And not a prissy little size shot of it either. It's so good I swear I could drink that entire bottle and then some!" I tell Tyler.

"Okay! After you have tried the Porn Star it you still want more, you can have as much as you want. I promise." Tyler chuckles when he sees me start to pout.

"Fine!" I huff. I really want more!

Tyler walks back to the cupboard and looks through all the bottles again before he pulls out two bottles. He then grabs two large looking shot glasses from the cupboard and fills one of the shot glasses with the blue liquid. He then unscrews the lid to the red liquid and fills the second shot glass as well. He grabs a shaker out of the cupboard and adds the contents of the shot glasses and some ice. He screws the lid back on and shakes the shaker for a few moments before pouring the liquid into the two shot glasses.

Tyler hands one of the shot glasses to me and I look at the beautiful color of purple the liquid is. I take a sniff of the bright purple liquid in my shot glass. It smells pretty good. I stick my tongue in to taste it and Oh My God! It tastes amazing! I knock back my shot without even waiting for Tyler. I contemplate licking my shot glass to get every last drop but decide against it for fear of what people would think if they were to see me. I think about asking for another one but I decide I want more Boha Rosa first.

"You want more of that?" Tyler asks sensing my instant love for Porn Stars.

"Yes! But first I want more of that pink heaven! Like a whole cup of it!" I slur slightly. I can already feel the effects of the alcohol.

Tyler chuckles and shakes his head to himself but grabs the bottle of Boha Rosa aka pink heaven and fills up two red plastic beer cups. I grab the drink from Tyler's hand just as he finishes making it. I give him a cheeky grin while sipping away at my drink.

"Okay Bella, I get it. You like Boha Rosa." Tyler says as I hand him back an empty cup. "Now do you want another Porn Star? This time I'll make it into a drink and add some 7-Up to it so you can nurse it a bit." Tyler asks.

I think about this for a moment and decide I do want another Porn Star because it was just that good. I nod my head yes and Tyler turn back to the cupboard mixing everything together to make the drink.

"Here," Tyler says handing me my cup, which is now filled with bright purply goodness, "I made it a double so you may want to take it slow. It's pretty strong and you really shouldn't mix too many different types of alcohol. You'll feel like shit warmed over in the morning. Believe me when I tell you that." Tyler says making a face as if he is recalling a bad memory. I take my drink from Tyler's hand and down it in three long swallows. I can't help it. It's just so damn good and it makes me feel so much better. Like I can actually stand to simply exist. Maybe even live a little. I like it allot. I haven't felt this alive since they were all here with me. Since HE was last here with me.

When Tyler sees me down my drink he shakes his head to himself and sighs. "Bella I know you like Porn Stars but I'm dead serious. You're going to wake up with one hell of a hangover in the morning if you don't slow down, Come on lets go dance for a little bit and then we can come back and get something else to drink later. I don't want you feeling like crap tomorrow." Tyler says sounding concerned.

"Honestly, I don't really care if I feel sick tomorrow. I feel so fucking good right now anything I feel later will be one hundred percent worth it. I feel like I can face anything and not have to worry about the consequences or the bad things that are bound to happen." I tell Tyler trying to ease his worry.

"Well still, we have all night to get as drunk as we want. You don't want to end up passing out in a stranger's house with a bunch of fuckers you don't know all around you, do you? Let's go dance for a bit. You still haven't really felt what it's like to dance while you're on E. It's really fucking awesome." Tyler says poking me in the ribs. That action alone sends shiver throughout my whole body,

"Okay... But I'll probably just end up falling flat on my face!" I giggle at the mental image I have conjured up in my head and feel a flush of heat rush to my cheeks. "I'm a terrible dancer." I admit.

"Meh. Don't worry, I won't let you fall. It will be fun. Don't worry what you look like and let loose. Go with the flow. Ya know?" Tyler winks at me.

I giggle. "You rhymed! You're a poet and you didn't even know it!" I start giggling out of control. For some reason I find this extremely funny. Tyler just looks at me with a big grin on his face shaking his head to himself. He then grabs my hand and leads me back into the living room.

As we make our way onto the dance floor Lady Gaga's 'Starstruck' starts blasting from several very large speakers set up all around the room. I start to sway my hips to the familiar beat. Tyler leads me to the middle of the dance floor and we start to dance together. He puts his hands on my hips to help guide how he wants me to move.

I turn around, close my eyes, and start to grind myself against Tyler slightly. He grabs my hips more firmly and pulls me in closer. I start to imagine it's HIM dancing like this with me. That he would even want to dance like this with me. That it is HIM touching me like this. I sigh knowing better than to do this to myself. I force myself to turn around and face Tyler.

I take a quick, deep breath and turn around. Slowly I open my eyes and sure enough it's just Tyler. I can't help but feel a little disappointed. I know it wasn't him but I can't help wishing it was. I know I will never see him again. After all he did say, "It will be as if I never existed." I just need to find a way to deal with that.

Tyler and I dance to several more songs before Jessica and Mike make their way over to us. Jess lets go of Mike's hand and dances her way over towards me.

"Do you want to go out for another toke with us? I'm starting to burn out and we can't let that happen now can we?" Jess giggles.

"Most definitely! What are we smoking this time? Another Oreo or is it just going to be a regular joint this time?" I ask.

"An Oreo of course! If you want later we can smoke some really primo homey oil I managed to pick up earlier. It gets you really fucked up, really fast. Plus it's a creeper so it will last twice as long."

"Wait a minute... Honey oil? Creeper? I feel like such a newbie. I don't even know how to smoke oil without it being on a joint." I grumble feeling inadequate.

"Don't worry babe. We'll teach you. It'll really easy when you have the right tools. We can go first so you can see how to do it and then when it's your turn we'll walk you through it step by step just to make sure you've got the hang of it." Jessica says. "But for now let's go smoke a couple joints. Once were done we'll come back in here and do the whole oil thing." She smiles at me.

I nod my head and follow Jessica, Mike, and Tyler outside.

We sit in a small circle on the slightly damp grass again and Jessica pulls out two joints, covered in oil, from her smoke pack. She hands one to Tyler, who is sitting directly across from her, and he then proceeds to light it. Jessica lights her joint and takes a few puffs, then passes it to me. I take a few good sized puffs and pass it on to Tyler who has passed his joint on to Mike. Before I know it both joints are finished and I am feeling pretty damn good. All of my bad feelings from before are gone and now all that's left is a feeling of content numbness.

We sit outside for a little while, just relishing in our high from all the drugs and alcohol in our systems. A gentle cool breeze blows my hair in my face and I giggle because it tickles. Suddenly I am hit with a memory of HIS cool breath on my skin and how the wind felt blowing through my hair when he ran with me on his back. Once again the memories don't hurt. It feels kind of nice.

I close my eyes and allow myself to think about him. His liquid gold eyes, his beautiful crooked smile, his gorgeous, untamed, penny bronze hair. His perfect marble, god like body. This is the first time I have been able to think about him so clearly without being crushed with the unbearable pain that the hole in my chest causes. I open my eyes and smile to myself.

Jessica gets up and leads me inside to the kitchen by my hand. "Okay, now it's time for you to try some honey. First I need to heat up the stove. Oh... can you grab me my knife out of my purse? It has pink and black electrical tape around the handle." Jessica says handing me her purse. She then turns around and makes herself a fresh drink.

I open the purse and find the knife very quickly. Although when I am looking for the knife I can't help but notice all the drug paraphernalia in her purse. She has several pipes, zigzag rolling papers, flavoured rolling papers in what looks like every flavour, lighters, something called flavour shots, and a rather large Zip-lock baggie filled with weed. I close the purse after I grab the knife out of it and Jessica both the knife and her purse back.

She puts the knife in between the element coils, which are now glowing a bright, fiery red, and turns to face me. She pulls out something from her purse that looks like a syringe but i notice it doesn't have a needle on the tip. Instead there is what looks like the metal inside of a twist-tie, twisted together to make a loop at the end. The twist tie is held on with some black electrical tape. At the other end of the syringe is the casing to a pen making the whole thing twice as long?

Jess digs in her purse again for a minute and pulls out a hallowed out fuse from a stove. The lid consists of a quarter acting as a stopper. Inside the fuse is some dark brown molasses looking oil. If you look at it closely you can see that it has a golden tint around the edges.

"Okay, so first things first. Once the knife is heated up you scoop some oil onto your hooter. You take the knife out from between the element and hold it flat. That's important because nothing hurts worse than dropping a hot hoot on yourself. Trust me on that." Jessica grimaces. "So next you take the hooter and press it to the hot part of the knife, moving it around a bit while sucking in all the smoke. Got it?" She asks looking at me.

I nod my head trying to process the information. "Yeah, I think so... I still want to watch you guys take yours first so I know for sure what to do."

"Good idea Bella. That way you can see the masters at work and get the technique down perfectly." Tyler jokes nudging me playfully with his elbow.

I just laugh as Jess gets her hoot ready and moves closer to the stove. I keep my eyes on her as she takes her hoot. It looks simple enough. Just to be sure I watch Tyler and Mike closely when they take theirs as well.

All of the sudden it's my turn and I am slightly anxious. I am worried that my natural born clumsiness is going to choose now to kick in and I will drop the hot knife on foot or something and end up burning myself. I shove aside my fears and move closer to the stove. Jessica takes the hooter and scoops some oil onto it. She then hands it to me. I make sure to take notice of how much she puts on it for future references.

I reach out and grab the hot knife from the stove and take my hoot. I quickly put the knife back in place when I am finished and hold my breath. I count to thirty. The whole time my lungs are begging and screaming at me for fresh, clean air. After thirty seconds I blow out a big cloud of grey smoke, couching a little bit as I take lungful's of fresh air.

"Wasn't so hard now was it Bella?" Mike says teasing me and poking me in the ribs. I blush as red as a tomato and try to hide my embarrassment by tucking my head into my sweater. Everyone just cracks up more but eventually turn their attention back to the stove. For this I am thankful.

After we all have about five or six hoots of oil we make ourselves another drink and head off to dance for a bit. This time Jessica decides she wants to dance with Tyler for a bit so that means I am dancing with Mike. The song 'One Night Stand' by Exit This Side was just finishing when one of the best song to dance came on. 'Swing' by Savage starts pumping from the massive speaker and I just have to let loose a little. It's like I have no control of my body.

I push my ass out a bit into Mike's groin and start to bring it up and down. I drop to the floor and then bring myself up very slowly, curving out my back, sticking out my ass a little more, and pushing my chest forward slightly at the very same time. I flip my hair back out of my face and wrap one of my arms around Mike's neck and start to move my hips in slow circles. Each circle getting my ass deeper and deeper into Mike's groin.

The song finishes quickly and right away another one of my favourite songs to dance to comes on. The music jumps into 'I Know You Want Me' by Pitbull and I just have to move my body like I know I can. No more of this half assed dancing like I have been doing all night. I feel like I need to really move or I will lose my mind. I haven't "dance" danced since before they left. It almost felt wrong before. But now seemed somehow justified.

Now something no one knows about me is that although I am not a very graceful dancer or person in general, any kind of hip-hop I can dance to with ease. Before HE took everything I cared and loved away from me Alice had taken it upon herself to teach me to dance. She said it was to help form a stronger bond between us and I have to admit it worked. After trying, and failing, several different forms of dance, Rosalie suggested I try hip-hop. After one lesson from Alice I was hooked. I took to it almost immediately, my clumsiness never once showing through. Alice was the real reason I took to hip-hop so immediately. Whenever she could pry me away from HIM we were dancing. Whenever HE was away hunting we were dancing. I got really good too. Too bad HE never got to see how good I got.

Although I haven't danced like this in a while my whole body throws itself into the beat of the music... I start popping my booty to the song while swivelling my hips in lazy patterns. "One, Two, Three, Four, Uno, Dos, Tres, Quattro..." I toss my head to the side with each word, my hair flying everywhere. At 'Quattro' I twist my head around and snap my hair back out of my face and turn on the ball of my feet to face Mike, still popping my ass and moving my hips.

Normally I would be self-conscious but with all the drugs and liquid courage in me I don't even notice anyone in the room with me. Mike is basically just a prop, not a person. I start to work my body harder, using my prop to really get into it. I end up getting so sucked into my dancing I don't even realize that everyone in the room has stopped talking and is currently staring at me in shock with their mouths wide open letting all the flies in.

When the song is finally over I stop dancing and look around wondering why the music hasn't gone onto the next song right away. It's quiet. Too quiet. That's when I notice everyone is staring at me. I blush a deep crimson almost matching my outfit I'm sure. I can't believe I was just dancing like that in front of everyone with Mike... Oh My God! MIKE? I spin around quickly to look at him in the eyes. His lids are heavy and his eyes are filled with... lust? And what looks to be quite a bit of shock.

All of the sudden everyone around me breaks out into cheers. Tyler and Jessica are at my side almost instantly.

"Oh my fucking God B! Where the hell did you learn to move like that? You have to teach me!" Jessica says at the same time Tyler says, "You said you couldn't dance you liar! You held out on me the entire time we were dancing! I demand another dance."

The whole time during the exchange Mike is trying to compose himself. Something tells me to look down for some reason and when I do I can't help but notice that Mike has a little problem he is subtly trying to deal with. I blush again and quickly look away. I can't believe I have that effect on him. I start to feel not only confident but kind of sexy. For a second I think maybe there isn't something wrong with me. Maybe, just maybe there was something wrong with HIM. But then reality hits me and I realize I am comparing myself to a God. Of course I'm not good enough. He was probably just holding out for someone better. Blonder. Someone perfect like him. That's why he never wanted to change me. Because I wasn't the one for him. I was the one for right now. At least I could have some kind of effect on somebody. That must mean I'm not completely repulsive.

While everyone is surrounding me I see Mike sneaking off. Towards the bathroom? OH MY GOD! He isn't going to do what I think he is, is he? I see him look over his shoulder around the room seeing if anyone is watching him then he adjusts himself in his pants. He slips into the bathroom. HE SO IS! I find this very funny and can't help the chuckle that escapes my lips. Tyler comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. Weird, I didn't even know he was gone. Jessica has disappeared too. Maybe she went to find Mike.

"It's time for my REAL dance." Tyler says chuckling to himself. The music starts back up and this time ' Get Down Hit The Floor' by Twista and Pitbull fills the room." Like the song? I wanted to see what you could do with it. Think we can make this interesting?" He asks. I can hear a grin in his voice.

I just nod my head. I hear a challenge. He wants me to make this interesting? Okay, lets show him and everyone else here what little Bella Swan can really do. I grin evilly and start popping my hips around in every direction in time with the beat of the drum.

"Ready?" I ask Tyler.

"Oh yeah Bella baby, I was born ready..." He whispers in my ear.

I turn to face Tyler still popping my hips in every direction, never the same way twice. At the part when the song says 'Get Down' I move my chest forwards and shoulders back with a swivel. When they say ' Hit the Floor' I swivel my hips and hit the floor, sticking my ass into Tyler's groin as I make my way back up. Each time I come back up I move my ass deeper and deeper into Tyler, and move my hips a little bit more. I flip my hair all over the place and let the music completely take me over. I put everything I have into my dancing.

After the song is over I blow the hair out of my face and smile when I see Tyler's face. He is standing there, just as Mike had, staring at me like I have grown a third head. I chuckle and lean up to whisper in his ear. "Interesting enough for you Tyler?" I laugh out loud and walk over to where I spot Jessica standing watching me.

"You know Jess, I think you were right."

"About what?" She asks staring at me. There is a big grin on her face.

"All I needed was a good distraction. Everything actually feels pretty damn good right about now." I smile.

Jessica's grin turns into a full blown smile. "Told yeah so! Come on lets go get another drink. The night is still young!"

**The Next Morning...**

I wake up as soon as the light from outside comes in my room through my window. OH MY GOD! What happened to my head? It feels like I got hit by a truck, punched in the head by a prize fighter, and then someone just so happened to find a hammer lying around and decided to beat me repeatedly in the head with it over and over.

I quickly grabbed my blanket and rolled over, throwing it over my head. I just as quickly find out how big of a mistake fast movements are. As soon as I move, my stomach goes in two different directions at once. I throw my blankets back in one swift move and grab my trash can from beside my bed. All the contents of my stomach are now sitting at the bottom of my rusty, metal, garbage can. After several more minutes of dry heaving I move my trash can back to where it belongs and ease myself back into bed.

"Ughhhh..." I moan out into my room. I wince at the noise. Note to self: Don't make a peep. I swear I can hear the electricity running through the walls. I get up off my bed and pad my way towards the bathroom in search of painkiller. I open the medicine cabinet once I am in the washroom and grab the bottle of extra strength Advil liquid gels. I shake four out into my hand, and fill a glass with water from the tap.

After I take the pills I go back to my room. God it stinks in here. That garbage can has got to go. I'm getting nauseous just standing here. I walk over to the trash can and pick it up, holding it as far away from me as humanly possible. I take it downstairs, setting it by the front door and hunt around for pair of sunglasses because of course the one day I just happen to have a hangover it just so happen to be a rare sunny day in Forks. With sunglasses firmly planted on my face I set off outside to empty the garbage can in the bin in front of our house. When that's done I go to the kitchen and pull out the bleach from under the sink and pour some in my garbage can, making sure to clean every square inch of the thing. After I rinse the bleach out I pour some baking soda in just to make sure the smell of vomit is for sure gone.

When my trash can is clean I go back up to my room. Charlie has already gone out fishing with Harry Clearwater and Billy Black so I don't have to worry about him until later on tonight. Hopefully by then I won't look or feel as crappy as I do right now. I walk into my room and the air is stale and smells of sweat, alcohol and vomit. My stomach churns from the smell so I rush to the window opening it to help get rid of the horrid smell. As soon as the window is open the hole in my chest tares right open, and burns out of control. I am on fire. I realize at that moment that my window hasn't been open since the night he left me...

I fall to my knees on the floor sobbing. He's never coming back! His face floods my mind and all I can think about is HIM. All I can see is HIM! "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! HE NEVER DID! YOU WERE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM, DIDN'T YOU EVER SEE THAT? YOU WERE JUST HIS PLAY THING. SOMETHING TO USE FOR A LITTLE WHILE UNTIL HE GOT BORED THEN HE COULD THROW YOU AWAY LIKE THE GARBAGE THAT YOU ARE!" My mind screams at me. I can't deal with this pain. I can't breathe, I'm suffocating. Last night I was fine. I was able to think about him and there wasn't a single problem. Now this morning something as simple as opening a window sets me off? I can't live like this anymore. I can't live the rest of my life living in unbearable pain. I will only end up hurting Charlie and Renee and they are all that matter to me anymore. For once I am going to think about me first. I am going to do what I think is best for me.

I walk across my room, messily wiping the tears that are falling from my eyes. I don't know why I bother. They won't stop coming anyways. The sobbing has calmed down though, at least that's something I can be thankful for. I grab my cell phone off my night stand and scroll through my contacts. I find who I am looking for and hit talk. The phone rings three times before she picks up.

"Hello?" Says a groggy voice.

"Hey Jess. Listen sorry for waking you but do you know anyone I can get a couple grams from? I need another distraction..."

"Oh, hey Bella. It's not a problem. Yeah I can hook you up with my dealer. Just give me a minute to text him and let him know I coming by with someone and I'll swing by your place in a few and pick you up." She says sounding more awake.

"Thanks Jess. I'll see you soon." We say our goodbyes and hang up.

If this is how I have to spend the rest of my life getting high as fuck and drunk out of my mind all of the time so I'm not in pain and I can cope with day to day life then so is it. That's what I'm going to have to do. He was always telling me he wanted me to experience everything I could as a human. Well here you go. Just watch how human I'm about to get.

That was how it all started...

**E/A/N:**** So how do you like my revamped story so far? I am hoping I have caught the majority of my mistakes this time. Leave me some love and you may get a new chapter by the end of the week ;) I took an extended holiday from this story because when I was re-reading my last few chapters a few months ago I found tons of grammar and spelling mistakes. I was so horrified with my work that I had to take a step back and re-group. After I took some time to think over how I wanted to re-launch my story I found out my old laptop had finally kicked the proverbial bucket. Some not so fun family drama and finding out you can't always trust even the ones closest to you and it was just a boat load of fun… Not. But now things are looking up. I am officially going back to school in the spring to finish my grade twelve and after that's all said and done I am going to school to get my bachelors of science to become a nurse. Hopefully these happy times right now means I will be able to peel out the chapters for you all but let's face it everyone. I am freaking slow at typing. **

**I am currently working on all of my chapters I had published for Forgotten Twilight, and will officially be posting once I have them all revamped and edited. Plus I would like to have at least one new chapter written for all of you who have waited for my story so patiently.**

**Sorry for this long A/N and hopefully you will hear from me soon.**

**Much Love **

**Misspink775**


	2. Chapter One

_**FULL SUMMARY: Desperate for a way to cope with her feelings of desperation after Edward leaves in New Moon, Bella discovers a brand new way to deal at a party in Port Angeles. One night a year after Bella's 18th birthday changes everything. Will anything ever be the same? R&R. Rated M for Mature Themes, Language, Severe Drug and Alcohol usage, and possibly future lemons. (Not sure I've never written a lemon. I will try though...) If you are sensitive to any of this type of material please feel free to read something else and I am sorry if you are offended.**_

_**A/N: I do NOT own Twilight. I'll leave that up to the great S. Meyer. I still wish I do though :(**_

_**A/N/N: This is my first time writing anything on fan-fic so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know what you like and what you don't like and what you would like to see worked on. I am willing to take suggestions for this story so leave me a review if you want to see something in later chapters and I just may add it in if it fits where my story is going.**_

_**I just wanted to say a big thank-you to NTMREashleyXcore and MssWriter for giving me my first reviews! I hope you all like this new chapter.**_

**Chapter 1**

**BPOV**

**September**

I look at my watch impatiently for what seems like the hundredth time in the past twenty minutes as I sit at my computer typing Alice her daily email. I need my fix more than usual. Today is going to be a lot harder than normal because it is my nine-teeth birthday. Exactly one year since my life took a turn for the worse.

Ever since my last birthday my life has literally gone down the drain. When weed stopped working for me to dull the pain I panicked. I looked towards harder, more extreme drugs to help. The easiest at the time for me to find in the area was cocaine and heroin so they became my new best friends. I always have at least one of them, if not both, running threw my veins.

After graduation Charlie found out about my habit. How he didn't find out sooner I'll never know. Maybe he was just in denial about it all along. Or maybe it was the fact that I seemed to be happy and he just wanted it to last. God know those first few months where hard on him. Okay maybe happy isn't the right word. I wasn't a zombie anymore. I would spend all of my time that I wasn't working or going to school, hanging out with Jess, Mike and Tyler. Of course what Charlie didn't know at the time was we were using all that time together to get 'Dry and Hunk' as Jess so lovingly called it after one of our all night bong sessions.

When Charlie found out what we were doing he was livid. I can still hear him.

"How could you be so stupid?" He had yelled. "Don't you know you could get yourself killed by getting involved with this kind of shit?" His face was almost purple he was so angry. After screaming at me for several hours he had left me with two choices. Either I could go to a clinic and get help to get clean and sober or I could get the hell out. I knew I couldn't go back to the pain so I went to my room, packed my belongings, loaded them into the bed of my truck and left.

I had very little money and nowhere to go. All of my friends had gone off to college, moving on with their lives and I didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. There was only one place I knew I could go that I knew no one would notice or care if I stayed there. The Cullen's old house. It's not like they needed it anymore.

I've been here ever since. I've been very careful however, to never set foot on the third floor. No amount of drug or alcohol could help me deal with the emotional pain of seeing _HIS_ room. Instead I am staying in Alice and Jasper's old room. Something about being close to her belongings makes me feel better knowing I can be close to her, even if it's in this little way.

I look at my watch again and sigh. She is supposed to be here at noon. It's not even 11:53 A.M. Jeez Swan. Impatient are we. It's not even time to meet yet and your wound tighter than a spool of thread. My hands shake as I take a joint out of my smoke pack and spark it. I inhale the smoke deeply and hold it in trying to calm my nerves. My hands continue to shake as I put my lighter back in my pocket. I get up off of the computer chair. I'll finish my letter later.

I'm just nervous because I am meeting my new dealer today, I tell myself. That and the stress of simply knowing what day it is, is sure to get me all rialed up. The only thing I know about this new dealer is that her name is Tori and she is rumoured to have the best coke anywhere close to Forks. Another plus is she also sells heroin on the side although coke is her main product. At least I won't have to go through two different dealers anymore. She delivers too.

This is going to be weird having a girl for a dealer. All of my dealers in the past have been men making it easier to afford my habit. Instead of paying actual money for my drugs I would trade sexual favours for them. I never went all the way, especially after what happened, but I would make sure they were just as happy with what they were reserving as I was. There wouldn't be any more of that going on now. All of my old contacts have dried up, either moving on to bigger and better things or having no way of getting their hand on what I so desperately need. Some would offer me other drugs, but when I tried them I found they didn't help like my two good friends did. Tori was my last chance, she is the only dealer in the area that sells what I need.

It's a good thing I still have some of my money from my college fund and from when I was working for the Newton's. That should help me make it through a little while at least, especially if Tori's stuff is as good as it's rumoured to be. When I run out of money I can always sell stuff from here. It's not like they will ever know.

I pick up the remote to the stereo and turn it on. My favourite mixed C.D. is the last thing I listened to in here so it's still in the player. I press play and 'Wicked Ways' by Life of Agony fills the room. I take my joint between my lips and take a few good, long pulls. I can feel myself calming down slightly already. I let out the big cloud of smoke and sink onto the couch.

When the joint gets too small to handle, I stub it out in one of my ash trays and look at the time again. 11:57 A.M. Tori will be here in about three minutes give or take. I get up off the couch and go outside to wait. I make sure all of the money is there so I won't have to go back in to get more when Tori is here. I count it twice just to make sure. Yep. It's all there.

Fuck... I'm so tightly wound right now. All I can think about is HIM. The things he said before he left me. He promised me it would be as if he never existed. Yeah the fuck right. As if that could ever be the case. When he came into my life he touched a place on each part of me and my life around me that he interacted with. Whether it is by touch, action, or even by simply saying something from his lips. Now that he's gone all that's left is a bunch of fingerprints all over everything around me. So when he made me make my promise not to do anything reckless or stupid I really don't feel bad at all for breaking my promise because he broke his promise to me right as soon as he made it. He has been everywhere I go haunting me. I see him everywhere. At least when I'm high I can deal with it better.

I sit down on the steps and run my hands over my face and through my hair. I take a smoke out of my smoke pack and get my lighter out of my back pocket, lighting my cigarette. Another bad habit I have picked up on over this past year. I find it makes me just a little bit higher. I carefully stay under the wooden beams making a shelter against the ever present rain that is Forks. The rain is coming down especially hard today. It fits my mood perfectly. I take a couple of drags of my smoke and ash it over the rail of the steps.

Just then I hear a car coming down the driveway. I let out a sigh of relief knowing I'll get my fix right away. _Soon_. I think to myself. I was worried Tori wasn't going to be able to find the turn off into the driveway. I catch a glimpse of a yellow Mustang coming through the trees right before she makes the last turn into the yard.

I stand up from my step and throw my cigarette over the side of the railing onto the rain soaked ground. Tori pulled her car right up to the stairs angling the driver's side door of her car towards the porch. The wind is starting to pick up so I put the hood of my black sweater up. Tori gets out of her car and half walks, half jogs towards the house. It's raining so hard now I can barely see her face. She has her face towards the ground anyways so I wouldn't have been able to see her either way.

Tori reaches the steps and finally looks up to see me. I am shocked by her beauty. I mean, she could be a model! Her hair is hidden underneath the hood of her dark grey jacket, but her eyes and face are what draws me in. Her eyes are dark. Brown maybe? It's so dark out with all the clouds and rain that I can't tell. They almost look black. She has alabaster white skin with a hint of redness to her cheeks. I wonder if it's blush or if it's natural. She has a perfect body to go along with everything else too. She has all the right curves, in all the right places. Something about her seems familiar. Have I meet her somewhere before? Maybe at a party? I don't think so... Maybe it will come to me later...

"Tori?" I ask taking a step towards her.

"Yes, you must be Bella."

"Yeah, it's nice to meet you..." I say awkwardly. I mean what are you supposed to say when you meet your new dealer for the first time?

"Same here. Well I'm sorry but I need to make this a fast visit. I have a few other people waiting on me..." Tori say.

I nod my head in agreement. I grab the money from in my pocket and hand it over to Tori. She quickly puts it in her purse without even counting it. I find this a little strange but I don't say anything to her about it. She opens her purse and pulls out her stash, then hands me double what I paid for.

"Oh no! You gave me too much. I only paid for half this amount." I tell her trying to hand one of the vials back to her.

"No I meant to give you that much. First timers get a two-for-one special. It's how I keep my business coming back. Oh! I almost forgot..." She reaches back into her purse and pulls out two baggies. "The guy that set this meeting up for us said that it was your birthday today and also mentioned that you like heroin so I wanted to give you a little something for you to enjoy the day with. One is coke and the others heroin." She says handing me the baggies.

I am stunned. "Thank-you." I manage to get out. I've never been treated so nicely by a dealer before.

"No problem! But I've really got to get going. Have a good birthday and make sure you enjoy!" Tori said before turning and jogging back towards her car.

She gets into her car, rolls down her window, pokes her head out and says "See you soon Bella." Just loud enough to be heard over the rain. I nod and smile. She gives me a wave and starts the car, turns it around and pulls the car onto the driveway. Within seconds she is speeding away and I can't even see her tail lights anymore.

I still have the feeling I have meet Tori somewhere before. Her face is just so familiar. I know I have meet her before but I just can't place where. "I'll have to ask her if we know each other next time we meet." I tell myself out load, shrugging it off. I turn around and walk back across the porch and into the house.

When I get in the house I hear the song ' I Don't Care' by Apocalyptica Ft. Three Days Grace playing in the background. I love this song. I can't listen to it sober though because every time I try to I start bawling my eyes out. It reminds me too much that he doesn't care for me anymore, if he ever did. It's almost as if he wrote this song specifically for me. I start to get angry. It's not fair! He took away my life! My family! My friends! I pick up the remote to the stereo and skip to the next track on the C.D. Ahhh... This is much better... It fits my mood perfectly. 'What Have You Done' by Within Temptation fills the room now. I turn the stereo and the surround sound up full blast. The windows start to rattle and shake. I go over to the coffee table and scream the words to the song out at the top of my lungs. I pour a nice long line of coke on the table and roll up a five dollar bill.

I snort the line of coke then prepare and take another one. I put the vial of coke in my sweater pocket with the others and I sit back for a moment and let my high hit me. Suddenly I get up off the couch and wipe the residue I know is left around my nostrils. I start walking toward the stairs. It's like a magnet is pulling my body up the stairs. Like I'm a puppet on a set of strings and someone's controlling me. I don't even remember making the decision to get up off the couch. I try to will myself to turn on the second floor and go to my room. Instead I keep heading up to the third floor. I stop walking at the top of the stairs, tears streaming down my face. "What am I doing up here?" I wonder out loud.

I walk straight over to his door and raise my shaking hand to the door handle. Something is drawing me up here and I don't know why. It's drawing me to this room. I can feel it. Just as I am about to turn the nob I feel the air behind me move. I spin around positive that I felt something behind me. It went down the stairs. I'm sure of it. I follow my gut and go down the stairs stopping on the second floor and listening for any strange sounds. Wait a minute... Wasn't Carlisle's office door open just a minute ago? I could have sworn it was just open. Hadn't the door been open this morning? I go to the door to the study and turn the nob pushing the door open with my foot. The door swings open quietly without so much as a squeak from the hinges.

I walk into Carlisle's study and look around forgetting the reason for coming in here in the first place. It's just as I remember it. I still can't get over how weird it is that they just up and left with what they absolutely needed and everything else they just left behind like garbage without a second thought. In this room alone there must be thousands of dollars' worth of antiques, first edition books, and original painting's. With each object and possession they left behind it's like another piece is being ripped out of my chest, another reminder that everything is only temporary with them. Even me. Tears silently roll down my cheeks and drop to the floor, making tiny dark drops on the carpet.

The pain is almost unbearable. I need to lessen it or I will go insane. I need to be numb. I walk across the room quickly, towards Carlisle's desk. I wipe away the light layer of dust that has formed in their year absence with the sleeve of my sweater. Once the desk is clean enough I take out one of the vials of coke from my pocket and pour two long lines on the desk top. I take out my rolled up five dollar bill and quickly snort both lines.

I sit down behind the desk on Carlisle's chair and put my head in my hands trying to calm down. Just waiting for the drugs to take effect. After about twenty minutes I notice I don't really feel anything. I mean, I feel a little high, but considering that I just did four lines in under thirty minutes I should be high as a fucking kite. I'm going to do two more line and if I still don't feel anything in another ten minutes I am going to try shooting up. I don't like to shoot unless I am feeling desperate and I need my fix fast.

Two lines and ten minutes later and all I feel is jittery and I am starting to get agitated. I need my fix and I need it NOW! It feels like someone is watching me. I just can't shake the feeling.

I go to get up to go downstairs to get my purse where I keep all my needles and everything else I need but when I stand up my foot gets caught on something. I look down and it's my purse. How did it... Did I bring it...? That's odd. I could have sworn I left my purse downstairs, lying on the couch. You think I would remember bringing it up here with me but I don't. I must have done it subconsciously. Somehow knowing I would need it. I pick up my purse up off the floor and set it on the desk before opening it. I riffle through it for a moment and quickly find everything I need, setting it all aside. Next I take the spoon I keep on hand for these situations and set it next to the needle.

After preparing the needle and getting everything set up I find a vein to inject myself in. Finding one I pick up the needle off the desk and plunge it into my vein. I pull the plunger out a little until I can see the milky white liquid turn a pink-ish-red, and then push the plunger down slowly until the needle is empty. I take the needle out of my arm and put pressure on the little pin prick to stop it from bleeding. Almost immediately I start to feel really dizzy and weak. My hand is shaking as I set the needle down on the desk. I need a drink. I reach into the pocket of my sweater and pull out one of the flasks I keep on me at all times. I have booze hidden all over this house, as well as a flask in one of my pockets, one in my purse, and one in the inner lining of my jacket.. As long as I can keep my brain foggy I can somewhat manage most of the time with fewer episodes.

I open the flask and start taking several long pulls from it, almost draining it almost instantly. The tequila burns all the way down, but it feels good. The burn is telling me that the numbness is on the way shortly. Once the flask is empty I twist the lid back on and reach into my purse and grab my other flask. I unscrew the lid and start sipping from it, this time drinking from it slower, savouring it. I notice I am still feeling very weak and shaky so I decide to lay off the coke for a while and do some heroin for a little bit. Try again with the cocaine later when it has worn off a bit. Plus when I look to see how much I have left I notice I have finished a whole vial already. _Holy shit where did it all go?_ I think to myself.

Just as I am about to make myself a syringe full of heroin a new idea comes to my mind. _I could always make myself a speed ball instead... All I would have to do is mix some cocaine into some heroin before I melt it down..._ I quickly make the adjustments to the mixture adding some cocaine from my second vial to it all then adding it to the spoon and heating it up with my black Marilyn Monroe lighter. I fill a new syringe with the thick syrup-like liquid and start looking for another vein in my arm. Once I find one I deem acceptable I stick the needle in and I repeat the process of pulling out the plunger a little ways, getting some of my blood to mix with the drugs, before pushing the plunger all the way down slowly.

Ughhh. This is why I hate shooting up... The blood... I don't think I will ever get used to seeing my blood when I pull the needle out of my arm. The smell of rust... The sight of the blood... I can almost taste it in the air... If there was any other way of achieving the high I get from when I shoot up without involving the blood, I would do it. I have tried everything I can think of to get to that specific level of highness but I have never been able to find it. The blood is worth it I guess...

I pull the needle out of my arm and fold my arm at the elbow to stop the blood flow, trying to make it so I can't see it. Suddenly I feel like I am very warm. I am hyper aware of everything around me. There is music filling the room... It's strange that I didn't notice it before. It's like someone just flipped a switch and turned on the music just for me. 'Shot' by LMFAO ft. Lil Jon starts pounding through the speakers. Hmmm... Sounds like a good idea. I reach for the flask I had set on the desk sometime around the time I started making the speed-ball and take a few long pulls. Even though I am young that doesn't mean I don't have experience when it comes to my liquor. It's Patron all the way. Anything else is like drinking horse piss. I only get the best. Never pay for it either thanks to my five finger discount skills I have picked up over time... I have to go a bit further away to get it because of course living in a small town everyone knows everyone, so if I was anywhere in a liquor store I would be thrown out because of course they all new my real age.

I pull out a smoke from my smoke pack that Jessica gave me when she left for college; something to remember her and our high times together bye, she told me, and light it with my lighter. Smoking my cigarette and drinking from my flask I get up off the chair I have planted myself on and start to feel the urge to dance. I start shaking my ass to the beat of the song, my hair flying everywhere, and swivelling my hips around. When they start shouting "Shots!" I start jumping up and down on the spot, pumping my fist in the air singing along to the song, my hair flying literally, everywhere. This is my song. Whenever the gang and I headed out to parties or raves the moment I was spotted the next song playing was 'Shots.' I made up my own routine to it and it's been my thing ever since. Lots of people tried to imitate me but there was only one Bella Swan.

The song ended and I take another drink out of my flask, fanning my face a bit. I am starting to get pretty warm. 'Good Girls Go Bad' by Cobra Starship starts pumping in the study as I dance my way over to the desk and out my cigarette. I put it out in my smoke pack because i don't want to damage the finish on this desk in case I end up having to sell it. It's probably an antique and worth a lot of money, which means a lot of drugs... I grab another smoke and light it with my lighter. Holy fucking shit! It's fucking hot in here! I strip off my sweater and t-shirt leaving me in my black and pink lace bra, and black skinny jeans. Ughhhh... It's still fucking hot in here. It's almost like a sauna... I walk over to the big windows that make up the entire back wall of the study and open a few of them. The chilly, crisp, cool air feels amazing on my skin. I lean out one of the windows slightly and feel the ice cold rain hit my exposed flesh.

I have horrible dry mouth. One side effect from the heroin I absolutely hate. Seriously, it feels like I've been gnawing on nothing but cotton balls for weeks and now the cotton has taken root and started growing in my mouth. I slowly walk over to the desk again to get a drink from my flask. I need to slow down or I'm going to have to stumble my way down stairs to get a couple bottles to last the night. I don't even have a quarter of a flask left here, I think to myself sadly as I reach for the flask. When I pick it up I notice it is heavier than it should be considering how much is in there. I unscrew the lid and tip it back against my lips. Almost instantly my mouth is full of mouth-watering Patron and I gulp mouth fulls down greedily. After I have gotten rid of the cotton mouth for the most part I screw the lid back on to the flask and set it on the desk. I find it a bit strange that the flask was almost full. I could have sworn it was almost empty. I must be higher than I realize. Oh well. Who's a girl to complain? That just saves my sorry ass from having to go down two flights of stairs to get more.

Suddenly I am hit with the feeling that I am being watched again. I spin around quickly, dreading finding someone standing behind me, but of course no one's there. All I hear is the wind rushing past my ears, moving in the opposite direction... I spin around again following the sound of the air. Once again there isn't anyone or anything there. My heart is racing. Am I just being silly? Hearing things because of the drugs? Could all of the drugs in my system be tricking me into believing that I hear something when I really don't? I really want to believe that but something deep down inside is telling me that isn't so. My gut instincts tell me something, maybe someone, is watching me. My heart races even faster. Could it be _HIM? _Could he have come to check up on me? Come to see how I am doing without him?

My internal musings are quickly crushed when I realize he would have to care about me to want to know if I am okay. To know if I am managing even remotely well without him. Clearly that isn't the case. Maybe it's one of the others then? If it was anyone it would be Alice. I don't know why she wouldn't make herself known if it was her though... Actually... Now that I think about it, I do know why. _HE _probably forbade her from seeing me. "THAT MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A... HOW DARE HE..." I rant out loud. If she wanted to see me she had every right to. I thought they left me because they wanted to. Because they were all bored with the weak clumsy little human. I never for one damn minute thought he would keep them from me. That he would _MAKE THEM_ stay away from me. I think to myself for a moment. I should never have doubted that they loved me.

Another thought crosses my mind after a moment. They are vampires too. If they really wanted to see me, to have stayed with me, they could have very easily. Anger flared through me again. She didn't know that I knew she was watching me so I decided to give her a good show of the Bella her beloved brother has reduced her too. No matter how angry I am with them Alice always gets a pardon. She didn't have a choice but to follow Jasper. Where ever he went she would follow. That didn't mean I wasn't still hurt that she couldn't even come see me. I would give her a full report to run off and tell the others of what their sweet, lovable, innocent, little Bella Swan has turned into because she was gone for good. Nothing could ever resurrect her from the ashes that were left blowing in the wind. I am going to show her exactly what they left behind because if she sees it through her eyes then he will see it too as if he was looking at it for himself. Let him see what happened to the girl he once claimed to love. FUCK HIM STRAIGHT TO HELL!

I grab my last vial of coke and pour out two large lines on the desk and quickly snort them. _'NOT ENOUGH!' _My inner voice screams at me. I pour a generous helping of coke onto the spoon and another generous helping of heroin with it, heating it up and filling the syringe in record time. This is twice as much as my normal doses but I normally keep them small so this shouldn't hurt anything.

I find a vein and jam the needle into my arm without a second thought. I push down the plunger and the drugs leave the needle quickly, entering my blood stream. I feel the numbing effects start to take hold almost immediately. Something is off though. I should be much higher. Never in my life have I had this much coke in me at one time... Now that I think about it I only have less than a quarter of a vial left and that one unopened baggie of coke that Tori gave me for a birthday present. I have already used up the other baggie of heroin that she gave me. I only feel somewhat high. What the fuck. I thought she was supposed to have the best shit this side of Washington. If that's true I would hate to see what see what everyone else is pushing. I shouldn't even be able to stand up let alone be able to dance around like I have been. Tomorrow I am going to have to make a drive to Seattle and try to find someone with something stronger. Maybe I can get a hold of Jessica and see if she knows anyone.

I start to think about _him_. About what he would think if he saw what I have become. Strung out, barely surviving one day at a time. I have to live in their old house because my father kicked me out. I hardly eat, I hardly sleep. When I do sleep I am plagued with nightmares either seeing him tell me he doesn't love me all over again or I am simply in the woods, standing there all alone. Every time I close my eyes I see his face. He wouldn't care if he saw me like this. By now he has probably found himself a new distraction. Maybe he is playing with one of the female vampires in Denali.

"_Why shouldn't he?"_ The voice in my head says. "_They are his equals in every way. They are strong, beautiful, everything you are not!"_ It screams at me. "Look_ at you... You are a strung out junkie. At one time you may have been what some people considered pretty, but you were never good enough for him. Especially now. I bet if he were to ever see you now, he would turn around and run away in disgust. You repulse everyone around you. Charlie, your own father, couldn't even stand to look at you any longer so he kicked you out! He didn't want to be seen with a little junkie _WHORE_ like you in his house! You may not have been having sex with all of your dealers but you might as well have been. The things you let them do to you! He knew you weren't good enough, that's why he left you. He would have had to have been blind not to see it." _The voice in my head keeps screaming at me. It's getting louder and louder. I can't even hear the music anymore. All I can hear is the voice, the angry words. I need to stop this. I need to stop this now.

With tears running down my face, I stumble and trip my way to the desk. My shaking hands grab the vial of cocaine and proceed to poor out the last of it in thick, wobbly lines on the old desks smooth surface. I keep making more and more lines until the vial is empty. I snort each line right after it is made. The person in my head is still screaming at me. Louder and louder if that is at all possible.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" I scream out into the room, grabbing the lamp off the desk and throwing it at the wall. It shatters upon contact with the wall. "Why isn't it working?" I cry out in desperation, throwing the now empty vial away.

"_Why should you get any relief?"_ The voice in my head asks. _"You aren't good enough for that, you little junkie _WHORE! _You were never worthy of his time, hell every single glance he sent in your direction was too good for you! You thought he could actually _LOVE YOU? _You deserve the pain. You deserve the heartache. You deserve to suffer! You didn't deserve to walk the same planet let alone to walk along side of him."_ The voices in my head scream at me unbearably loudly.

"I SAID SHUT UP! PLEASE SHUT UP! OH GOD PLEASE MAKES IT STOP!" I scream out into the empty room, clutching my head in my hands, pulling at my hair. I shake my head from side to side trying desperately to make the words stop, to make the voice go way. I need the voice to be quiet. I need to stop this unbearable pain in my chest!

I fall to my knees in front of the desk with tears sliding down my face. I try to wipe them away with the backs of my hands but more just keep falling. I grab the little baggie, the last of my cocaine, and empty it into my spoon. "Please God, let this work... I don't know what I will do if this doesn't work... I need this to work..." I mumble to myself out loud as I prepare the needle. With the needle full, more than four times what a normal person takes at one time. "This is it... No more tonight after this... This has to work." I tell myself. "I just need the pain to stop. The voices to go away... Once it is quiet it will be easier. My head won't hurt so bad." It's never been so bad before. Why is it so bad right now? Why isn't anything working? "Please God let this work..." I say aloud as I pick up the syringe off the desk and hold it up to my vein. I quickly plunge the needle into my arm and empty its contents into my body without a second thought.

Immediately I feel the effects from the cocaine. Something doesn't feel right... I feel... off... strange... Something's wrong. My breathing picks up but no matter how hard I try, I can't catch my breath. Oh My God! I am starting to panic. I CAN'T BREATH! I can't call for help... My cellphone is downstairs in the living room, sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch. There's no way I can make it down there like this. Already I feel dizzy. I continue to gasp for air but my tongue is swelling so bad it's blocking off my air way. I barely even notice when the tremors start. Suddenly I fall to the floor with a thud. The tremors take over completely. With my last breath I open my mouth and breath out one name... "Edward..." and everything fades to black.

_**End A/N: Sorry this chapter is shorter... Next chapter we are going to have a look at what Edward has been doing since he left Bella and all that jazz. Please leave a review and let me know what you like... What you don't like... Anything really... Come on... Pweety Pweeze? Don't make me get on my knees… Unless, you know… You're into that sort of this… wink wink, nudge nudge… Lol. Up next Chapter 2. And for those of you who have read this story already and have my story on update alert I am really sorry these aren't actual chapters yet. But soon my pretties soon…**_

_**Much Love**_

_**Misspink775**_


	3. Chapter Two

_**FULL SUMMARY: Desperate for a way to cope with her feelings of desperation after Edward leaves in New Moon, Bella discovers a brand new way to deal at a party in Port Angeles. One night a year after Bella's 18th birthday changes everything. Will anything ever be the same? R&R. Rated M for Mature Themes, Language, Severe Drug and Alcohol usage, and possibly future lemons. (Not sure I've never written a lemon. I will try though...) If you are sensitive to any of this type of material please feel free to read something else and I am sorry if you are offended.**_

_**A/N: I do NOT own Twilight. I'll leave that up to the great S. Meyer. I still wish I do though :(**_

_**A/N/N: This is my first time writing anything on fan-fiction so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know what you like and what you don't like and what you would like to see worked on. I am willing to take suggestions for this story so leave me a review if you want to see something in later chapters and I just may add it in if it fits where my story is going.**_

_**I just wanted to say a big thank-you to NTMREashleyXcore for another review this time around! I hope you all like this new chapter. Let me know by hitting that little green button at the bottom...**_

**Chapter 2**

**EPOV**

**September**

The pain is unbearable, but I will endure it for her. I will do anything for her. I left her for her safety. No matter how hard it is to be away from my angel I must do it for her. I left my life with her back in Forks, without her I simply exist. For the rest of my existence I will remember the blasphemy I told my love that despicable day in the woods. It was the only way I could have a chance of getting her to move on from me. To truly get over me. The outright lies I had to tell her to ensure that I broke her heart so that she could, one day, move on and start a new, healthier life without me.

God how I miss her. I will always remember the look in her eyes when her heart broke. It will haunt me for the rest of this so called life. "It's for the best..." I growl to myself for the thousandth time since we've left. "She can do so much better..." I am a dead end for her, I keep thinking in my head. If she were with me her life would always be in danger. She could never have the children she so rightfully deserves. Sex wasn't even a possibility for us because if I lost control for even a single moment her life would be over and so would mine. I couldn't exist if she didn't; especially knowing I had ended her life. Just thinking about that possible outcome made me want to vomit and throw my fist threw the wall. I couldn't bear to think of myself existing for a single moment knowing I had harmed the one person who meant more to me than anyone else in the world.

It's been almost a year since I have seen the love of my life. She is all I can think about, she consumes me. Day after day I simply lie in my room on my black leather sofa and stare off into space, wishing I could still be with her, thinking about her, and just imagining I was still there with her in my arms again.

I rely on my memories that I have of stored in my head. I remember ever single thing about her. The warm, rich, milk chocolate of her eyes against her pale smooth skin; the blush that would slowly creep up and cover her cheeks and nose staining them a delicate shade of pink whenever she was embarrassed or shy; the feeling of her warm, soft skin beneath my ice cold, touch; her delicious sent that drove me made from day one, but at the same time could calm me down like nothing else; the different sounds her heartbeat would make when she was happy or excited; how a simple look or touch would shake her heart skip a beat then start pounding vigorously. I miss it all.

Sometimes I will see her, standing there before me, looking just as perfect as I remember her to be. Every time I almost reach her to take her into my arm and hold her, if only for a moment; she fades away, vanishing from my sight. Every time I am crushed. Every time I curl up into a ball on my sofa and just think about her. About my Bella. All I have now is my memories. I lay like this for weeks, sometimes months, until my family forces me to go out and hunt.

Hunting used to be something I enjoyed. The thrill of the chase of my prey, giving myself over completely to my animalistic nature. Not having to hide or pretend. Now it's something of a chore. I just could care less about myself. Emmett and Jasper have to literally physically drag me out of the house and into the woods to force me to hunt. I don't know what I would do without them, but sometimes I really wish they would just leave me to wallow in peace.

_*DONG...*_

The old grandfather clock in the living area strikes once signalling it is midnight. The house is eerily quiet. No one makes so much as a single sound, not even taking a breath of air. They are all waiting and listening for my reaction. The reaction to the day that the striking of the clock signifies. I close my eyes as the pain tares through me with each clank of the clock. It is now the thirteenth of September. The day my whole world turned upside down and became the mess that it is now. If I had known then what I know now I would have never let my beautiful Bella go to the birthday party Alice had planned for her. We would have celebrated in private like I had wanted to in the first place.

What my beautiful angel didn't know was that all summer whenever Alice had stolen her away from me to bond, I had gotten very lonely and bored so I decided to learn something just for my love. I spent countless hours practicing cooking different meals and desserts for my angel, making sure I would perfect each new concoction before moving on to something new. I wanted my first meal I made for her to be perfect so I didn't tell her what I was doing. I wanted to be sure of myself first, and even then she could never know I had learnt just for her. I knew right away she would be embarrassed that I had done something like that for her when I, myself, don't eat.

For her birthday I had really wanted to take Bella for a little intimate picnic in our meadow. I would have made her a big fancy meal and carried her to our meadow with her in my arms, just so I had an excuse to hold her close to me. Alice would have gone ahead of me to set everything up for us: lighting hundreds of lanterns and hanging them around the meadow in the trees so Bella would be able to see everything around her. After Bella would have eaten her birthday dinner I would have told her how much she meant to me and how she was the only woman that had ever touched my heart. I would have told her how much I loved her and then gotten down on one knee, pulled my mother's engagement ring from my pocket, and asked her to be my wife. She would have worn my birth mother, Elizabeth's, ring if she had said yes, and things would have been perfect.

The only reason I didn't go with my original plan was first and foremost because I didn't want to tie down to half a life. How could she have ever been happy with me when she could never have children? Without even being able to go much further beyond kissing? She had needs, I knew this, but I would never be able to meet those needs. We wouldn't even be able to consummate the marriage itself if she had said yes to me. I couldn't do that to her, instead Alice threw her a birthday party. Not even Alice, with her gift for seeing the future, had seen what a horrible idea that was. Something as simple as a paper cut had managed to change all of our live in the matter of seconds, forever. I'm not upset with Jasper though. It was bound to happen sooner or later. All it did was make me see that Bella would never be safe unless she was away from me and my family for good. Our very nature was a threat to her life.

Yes. This is for the best. It has been just shy of a year by only a few days. She has probably started to move on, forming new relationships with someone who is healthier for her. Soon she won't even remember who I am. I will just be another name, another face. Someone she used to know once upon a time. I on the other hand will never forget. I will spend the rest of my days living with my memories and the moment she leaves this earth, I will follow shortly behind her. It doesn't matter what it takes. I will find a way.

I'm sure Alice has seen this decision because; she has been watching me like a hawk. Since we left Alice has had her eyes trained on the future, watching every decision I make and judging to make sure I don't quote. "Try anything stupid." Unquote. I made myself perfectly clear that she is not to look for Bella's future. We will not interfere with her life again. Alice is beyond furious with me. She is livid. She loves me but she just doesn't understand why we have to do this. Why I would give up the love of my life. Why we had to leave. All she wants is her sister back and she makes sure to let me know every opportunity she gets.

Everyone misses my sweet Bella, but this is for the best. I will not forfeit her life now will I rich her life with my mere presence, just so I can be happy, so this is how it has to be. It's just so hard. Several times this past year I have jumped up out of nowhere and suddenly started running towards Forks. Towards my love, my life, my Bella. After several moments I would suddenly realize what I was doing and I would stop dead in my tracks and force myself to go home. Every time it happens it feels like there is a piece of me being pulled towards Forks. Almost as if, there is an incredibly strong magnet inside of me pulling me towards my other half. I know exactly where my other half is. Bella is that other half. Sometimes I almost can't stop. It always happens when I am hunting. Something about giving myself over to the animal inside lets my instincts take over my mind and I am off racing towards her. Once I made it as far as Seattle when I finally realized what was going on. I stopped with a strangled sob, because I was just so close to her but I was still so far, turned around, and ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction. When finally decided to go home a few weeks later Alice had finally had enough with me.

'_EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! GET OFF YOUR FUCKING, GOD DAMN, SICK, MASOCHISTIC, ASS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW AND GO TO HER ALREADY!' _Ahhh and thinking of Alice... Her mind is screaming at me again to listen to her. She pulls me out my thought for a moment. It's not just Alice's mind screaming at me either. Everyone in this house is urging me to go to her, beg for forgiveness, or even for me to just go and check on her. Make sure she is alright. Just make sure she is managing okay without us. Even Rosalie's thoughts are about how much happier her whole family was when Bella was around. Rosalie never resists telling me what an idiot I am. I KNOW I'm an idiot but I also know this is for the best. Without us in her life Bella will have a long, happy, full life like she was always meant to before she met us. I just pray to God that, that life isn't with Mike Newton or someone who is as vile and loathsome as him.

Just the thought of my angel with someone like that pile of trash Newton sets my skin a blaze. "Please Lord. Anyone but him..." I whisper aloud as I curl into myself and lose myself in my memories.

I am brought back to my surroundings when Alice makes her presence known in the room. _When did she get in here? _I question myself. I realise I have no clue as to how long she has been sitting there on the floor. It's strange I didn't notice her arrival but this has become a common occurrence lately whenever I am thinking about my beloved. When I am thinking about her everything seems to just melt away and it's almost like she is right here in my arms again. Almost. Although almost is never enough, it's what I will have to endure for her safety. Alice's mind has been silent from the moment the entered my room from what I can tell. That must be why I didn't notice her presence sooner. Alice is just sitting on the floor, pulling the carpet threw her thin, little fingers.

I look around and notice it is just before dawn. The sun is just about to rise outside, and the sky is already starting to turn pinkish-orange. Alice's mind reveals that there will be some sun for a little while this morning but after about forty-five minutes the clouds will take over the sky and will stay for the rest of the day. There is even some rain in the forecast for the day.

'_Come on Edward... Let's hunt... It's been over two months. You need to hunt. You could become dangerous towards others if you don't and you know SHE wouldn't want that...'_ Alice pleads to me with her thoughts.

I flinch at the mere thought of Bella. My family has learnt quickly what her name does to me so they don't say it around me. I let out a sigh of resignment because I know Alice is right. My eyes have been a dark onyx for quite some time now. If a human were to get to close to me I don't know if I would be able to control myself around them. Especially if they were injured. I don't know if I would be able to stop myself from hunting them down and taking away their very life before I even realized what I was doing. Alice sees my decision and a small grin forms on her face.

"Thank you Edward." She whispers out loud.

"Just us... I don't want everyone coming with us... Please..." I beg Alice quietly with pleading eyes.

"Of course. Whatever you want Edward. I understand that today's going to be especially hard on you. Hell, it's going to be hard on all of us... But if you fell like talking we're here for you... Me especially." Alice grins again at the last part. The small smile doesn't quite reach her eyes though. She hasn't really smiled for a really long time.

"Thanks Alice." I say standing up from the sofa. We turn and head towards my window. I'm not ready to face my family just yet. Today their thoughts will be especially focused on Bella and I need to hunt before I will be able to deal with that. If I haven't feed I will surely go to her in my weakened state.

Once at the window I make a gestured for Alice to go first and spring from the window directly behind her, landing lightly on my feet at her side. We slowly make our way across the large yard enjoying the sun on our skin, while it sends sparkling beams of light all around the yard. As we enter the woods on the outskirts of our yard the sun disappears behind a dark grey cloud that has moved across the sky. We make our way further into the wood and find ourselves at the creak that cuts through our property. We both jump at the same time and make it across with ease.

Alice is abnormally quiet. Even her thoughts are silent. She is waiting for me to be ready to talk to her. She's not going to push me like she normally does. Instead she is waiting for me to be ready to tell her everything.

I know today is especially difficult for her as well. Bella was her best friend, as well as the little sister she never had but always wanted.

After running for a little while I caught the scent of a mountain lion up ahead. Without even thinking I split up from Alice and start hunting the creature. My body slips into a hunting crouch as I race towards where I can smell the large beast. I can feel the heart radiating off its body from here. My body sinks lower into a crouch as I near the wild cat. My senses tell me she is up in a tree about fifty yards away. I can hear the tiny, unappetising heartbeat of her prey at the bottom of the tree. I take a breath through my nose. A rabbit. She's hunting. Perfect.

I climb a tree close to the one my prey is in and swiftly leap from it to the tree the mountain lion is in. I land on her branch she is perched on and she whirls around with an ear slitting screech, swinging her claws at me warning me to back off. I scoff at her ridiculous attempts to scare me off and growl back at her before I spring on her back knocking her towards the ground. We don't even hit the ground before my teeth are sliding through the muscles and tissue in her neck as if they were butter and my teeth were a hot knife. Her screeches quickly turn to gurgles as I drain her body of its essence. When the carcass was empty I drop it to the ground in disgust. I quickly dig a hole and bury the body covering the grave with large rocks so no other animals would come along and dig it up later. I then leave to find something else to drink.

One deer and two bucks later I find Alice sitting in a clearing waiting for me. She looked me over once before saying, "Much better. Thank you Edward... You don't know how much this is going to mean to Esme. She will be less worried about you for a bit now. Not completely over worrying about you of course. But it will ease her mind to see that you have hunted. Your eyes are back to normal so she will take much comfort in that." I nod my head once knowing Alice is right and take a seat next to her on the fallen tree she is sitting on. I rest my head in my hands and we sit in silence for several minutes, just listening to the sounds of nature around us. The sun has long since been covered by the dark, grey, clouds that have taken over the sky.

The clearing we are in looks very dank and depressing. It's almost a symbolic gesture of what today has come to mean to me. A year ago today everything in my started out happy and full of light only for it to turn out dark and dismal suddenly.

The air around us smells like a storm is coming. You can hear the creatures in the forest around us bunking down, and preparing for the storm. I'm not ready to head back to the house yet, even as the rain starts falling from the sky. It feels right being here with the rain falling down my face. I start to sob as I think of my beautiful Bella. The rain acts as the tears I will never be able to cry on my own. My hands go to my head as I pull my fingers threw my hair, grabbing fist full of it and pulling it desperately to try and relieve some of the emotional pain I am feeling with a different kind of pain. It's no use. Nothing can help what I'm feeling. I feel like half of me is missing, and the half that was left behind for me to hold onto is now dying without its missing piece. I have never felt pain so bad before. Not even when I was burning during my change. That was tolerable. Hell that was like laying in a pool of temped water compared to this. I would gladly burn all over again just so I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore.

'_Maybe if you just go and check on her you would feel better... She wouldn't even have to know you were there... She would still be safe then. Right?'_ My mind reasons with me.

Suddenly my determination I had before is starting to waver. Maybe I could just go and check on her. I just need to know that she is okay, and just see her beautiful face again. When I see that she has moved on with her life, moved on from me, I will know I made the right choice and that she is better off without us. Without me. But what if she isn't in Forks anymore? By now she will have moved off to college, starting out her new life. Just like I wanted her too. I could always just go to Forks and track her down from there... It wouldn't be hard to find her. All I would have to do is break into school and look at her records. They would tell me the school she was attending and that would be that.

As soon as I make the decision that I am going to go and just see how she is doing Alice is in front of me pouting with her hands in a prayer pose. Her eyes are all big and puppy like.

"Alice..."

"Please Edward? Please can I come with you? I miss her so much... I just want to go see her... To see with my own two eyes that she is really okay. I won't believe it unless I see it with my own eyes. I promise she won't even know we are there... I won't put any pressure on you to go talk to her and I will never give you crap about the decisions you've made regarding Bella; no matter how stupid, idiotic, and simply irresponsible they are... Just... PLEASE CAN I COME WITH YOU! PLEASE!" Alice makes sure to bat her eyelashes for good measure.

Alice's eye's start to glisten with venom and her lower lip starts to tremble. Oh God! Not her sad face... No one can resist her sad face. She can make anyone do anything she wants when she pulls out that look. Poor Jazz... I don't know how he can put up with her when she does this kind of stuff. Bella would call that look the, ' Can't say no' face. I just sigh and pinch the bridge of my once again sees my decision before I voice it out loud.

Suddenly Alice is squealing and jumping around at a frantic rate with her arm wrapped tightly around my neck. Thank God I don't air because she has her arms around my neck so tightly I can't take a single breath of air in or out. It was starting to get uncomfortable when she finally dropped her arms. She was still bouncing though.

It was just before noon so we made our way back to the house to grab my car. There wasn't much forest between here and Forks so we would have to drive there to avoid being seen running. Also the sun would be shinning around the half way mark for a while so we would need the shade the tinted window my Vanquish would were taking the Vanquish because I had never driven it around Forks when we lived there, we didn't want it going around that the Cullen's were back in Forks. No one would recognize us in my Vanquish like they would if I take my shinny Volvo. Plus the Vanquish is faster.

Normally it would take someone twelve hours to get to Forks from our little hide away but because we didn't need to make all the stops that humans did; like bathroom breaks and food stops. Plus the speeds at which I drive, that I don't even have to worry about being pulled over for because I can hear if there is a speed trap and even if I couldn't I have Alice here. We will be in Forks in under six hours. I'm sure of it.

Alice starts running top speed towards the house and is gone in a flash to get the keys to my beloved car and to quickly tell everyone what was happening and that we are leaving. I can hear everyone talking at once inside, saying for us to call the moment we know how she is doing. Their thoughts are all centered on Bella.

Esme is concerned for her hearts happiness as well as my own. She will never be able to believe Bella could move on without me. While Carlisle is worrying about the same things as Esme, the doctor in him is also worrying about her health and safety. We all remember how clumsy Bella is. That was one of the things I had put stay list of the should I stay or should I go. Emmett was just worried that Bella wasn't having any fun now that he wasn't around to pick on her anymore. He really missed all the jokes he used to play on her. Nothing to mean. More like trying to see what would make her blush. He was most concerned that she wasn't laughing enough and was now taking life too seriously. Rosalie was also concerned for Bella. She was worried that Bella would resent others in life and not be able to learn to trust anyone again. Always carrying around about a sense of self-doubts and resentments towards herself and others. Jasper was also upset. He still blamed himself for what happened at Bella's birthday party so he naturally blamed himself for how gut wrenchingly depressed I have felt since that day in the woods. His biggest fear and he was certain he was right as well was that Bella was suffering the same was I was. If not worse because she was a human and she has no one to talk to about any of this situation without sounding like a complete lunatic. I don't want to believe it's possible. It can't be.

If I was to see her and to see that she is in one hundredth of the pain I am enduring I won't be able to not give in and return to her, begging for her forgiveness and begging her to take me back. I would never wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. Definitely not my Bella.

As it is it's going to be hard not to go running for her when I see her. To hold her in my arms and breath in her mouth-watering, heavenly scent. I want to hold her in my arms so badly and tell her how stupid I am. Tell her that I lied when I told her I don't love her. That I don't want her. I want to beg for her forgiveness and plead for her to take me back. I can't do that though. I have to be strong. She will have certainly moved on with her life by now. She probably finally realized just how much better than me she really was, as well as everyone else in the little piss hole town of Forks. Bella is destined for bigger and better things out of life. Bigger things than the town of Forks can offer her.

I hope she has gone to an excellent College or University. She would do so well in an Ivy League school. She definitely had the brains for a school like Dartmouth or Harvard. She would meet someone would could keep up to her intellectually and maybe even challenge her in new ways so she can learn to find herself and become the woman she was supposed to be before she met my family and I that one fateful day.

Alice comes running out of the house with everyone still yelling at her they are so excited. Everyone is calling out words of praise and giving out specific orders to get every detail about her while we are there. From how she looks, to if she has made any new friends, as well as where she is now living and most importantly if she appears happy. Alice assure everyone we will keep them all updated by phone and we will sit down with them to go over everything in more detail when we get back. Alice races towards the garage and tosses me the keys, then slides into the passenger seat of the car. Everyone comes out of the house to watch Alice and I race down the driveway and start our drive to Forks. To my life. To my Bella.

With the storm going on in our area the highways are almost completely clear. I took it as an opportunity to really open up my mind to the thoughts around me. The speedometer started climbing past 130 MPH. With my perfect eyesight and razor sharp reflexes the road conditions are no problem for me as I inch past 145 MPH. I keep my mind trained on any thoughts around me. Listening for any other drivers or police cars that would try and pull me over if they saw me going at this speed. I doubt they could catch me but it would definitely slow me down. I couldn't afford to, metaphorically speaking, get a speeding ticket right now; not that I have ever had one before but this would be a really bad time for a first.

The force of the magnetic pull is getting stronger with each mile I drive. It's like I am physically getting pulled towards her. I go willingly. Something's different about this time though. It's almost too strong. Like something's happening. Whatever it is has every fibre of my body standing on end. I don't like this feeling. I just need to see her. It's anticipation. That's all this feeling is. I just need to know she's safe. Once I see she is fine I will be able to leave again.

Just about five hours later we are making our way through Port Angeles. I've been making pretty good time. Alice has been chatting with me about Bella a bit every now and then through-out the ride but mostly she has been on the phone with Jasper. He was a little frantic that she had left so quickly. He was worried for her safety. Mostly he wanted to be with her but knew that he couldn't risk being around Bella after what he did on her birthday. He still wasn't sure of himself.

The sun we had seen during our drive is now buried under the dark clouds in the sky that showered the ground with thick, heavy sheets of torrential rain. A human wouldn't be able to see a few feet past their faces in this rain but my eyes had no problems seeing the roads ahead. The sky sparks to life suddenly when several lightning bolts make their way across the sky. Thunder is rumbling off in the distance sounding quite ominous.

Just after we hit highway again Alice suddenly gasps and her eyes lose focus. She's having a vision. In her mind I could see the vision. It was of the house in Forks, up in Carlisle's study... There was a flash as the scene changed and Bella was swaying and gasping for breath. Suddenly the scene flashed again and this time Bella was on the floor convulsing, hitting her limbs and head on furniture around her. Then everything started to fade out slowly. Bella was disappearing from the picture. It was slow but it was happening right now.

"GO EDWARD! NOW! DRIVE! HURRY WE HAVE TO SAVE HER!" Alice screams the same time I growl out "NO!" and slam my foot down on the gas pedal, pressing it to the floor of the car.

We started our race to save Bella. I can't let her die. I have to save her. I will make it in time. Alice keeps herself in a rigid position looking for Bella future to see what causes her to seize so we so we can call Carlisle and figure out how to control it when we get there. She can't see the cause. She can see no trigger.

'_We will just need to get there before whatever the hell sets her off sets her off.'_ I tell myself, but even as I think the words I know deep down we are going to be too late to prevent it. We won't make it in time.

"NO!" I growl once again to myself. I can't think like that. I will save her. I owe her that and so much more.

Alice reaches for her cellphone and quickly dials Carlisle's phone number. He picks up on the first ring. They must all be sitting by their cellphones waiting for an update. I can hear Carlisle answer the phone.

"Hello, Alice. How are things going so far?" Carlisle asks.

"Carlisle. We need you guys. It's Bella. Something's happening. I had a vision. She's dying Carlisle. It's happening right now. We need your help, we have to save her." Alice speaks quickly into the phone.

"Alice what exactly did you see? How is she dying? Is it an illness? An injury?" Carlisle rushes out in full doctor's mode.

"The vision came to me in flashes. She is in the old house in Forks. The scene changes and she's gasping for air. Next thing I see she is on the floor and her whole body is convulsing and spasming, and she is hitting her head on the furniture around her. Then everything starts to fade out really slowly. It hasn't quite happened yet but whatever started it has already been set in motion. We won't be in time to stop it. I don't know if we will be in time to save her. Tell me what to do Carlisle. Please." Alice says frantically.

"Alice, did you see the cause of what set off the seizure? I can't help unless I know what set it off."

"No. I have looked and looked. Gone over every detail but I just can't see the cause. It just doesn't make sense. What should we do Carlisle?"

"I'm afraid there is nothing you can do once she is already seizing you just have to let her ride it out on her own. Just make sure her airways are clear and we will be there as soon as we can."

"Carlisle I see two different futures here. I think we are going to need everyone to come here no matter which one pans out for their strength, support and guidance." Alice tells Carlisle.

"Of course Alice. Esme just got off the phone with the airport she has a flight booked for all of us. We will be landing in Seattle in two hours and we will make it to Forks in under two hours if we have to move heaven and earth to do it. Just do whatever you have to save her. I know you will make the right choices. I trust you both to do the right thing." I hear Carlisle respond through the phone.

"Ok we will see you soon. Please hurry." Alice hangs up the phone after she is finished speaking and starts focusing on Bella again.

Forks streets were bare as we entered the small town. No one was daring to set foot out in this storm so we are able to make remarkable time racing through the city. I keep my foot to the floor boards of the car, pushing my Vanquish almost to the max. I look down at my speedometer and notice it is around 185-187 MPH. Any other time I would be relish in driving this car to its full potential, but right now I can't think of anything but my Bella. Very quickly we are nearing the turn of onto our driveway to the house.

Alice's vision comes back full force but this time it's slightly different. The fading is quicker. Just after the scene changes to when Bella is seizing on the floor the scene goes black at an incredibly fast rate. It's happening right now. She's dying right now!

_*SSSCREECHHH...*_

"Fuck!" I slam on the brakes when I see Bella standing in front of my car. Only it can't be Bella. She is shimmering in and out so I can see through her. I jump out of the car and run towards her. "Bella?" Some part of my mind registers Alice yelling at me wondering what the hell I'm doing, but the other can't take my eyes off her. She's here for a reason. She tosses her hair over her shoulder but pauses to look back at me for a moment. A coy smile playing on her lips. Suddenly Bella starts down the road at an incredible rate. The magnetic pull follows her. I have to follow her. I jump back in the car at lightning speed and follow Bella and sure enough she leads me to the house. As soon as our house came into view Bella's image disappeared into thin air.

I slam on the brakes as soon as I make it to the front of the house and before the wheels have even stopped spinning Alice and I are out of the car and going in the front door of the house. Not bothering to close any of the doors.

Even over the scent of the pouring rain I can still smell her everywhere as we enter the house. It smells as if she has been her for a while. At least a few months. Her scent is saturated into every fibre of the house. My mouth floods with venom and there is a burn in my throat but it's manageable when I think about the fact that she is dying. We hardly take note of all the rooms surrounding us as we race up the stairs to Carlisle's study.

We burst through Carlisle's study door, nearly breaking it down in the process. As soon as I am in the room I gasp out loud at what I see before me. Laying perfectly still on the ground, in a black and pink lacy bra and tight fitting black jeans, looking deathly pale white is my beautiful Bella. I race to her side, holding my breath the whole time, and just listen. Suddenly I hear the most wonderful noise in the world. A heartbeat. Her heartbeat. It's very slow and it's skipping beats but it's there. Her heart beats two slow beats then suddenly it skips a beat the picks up again, stuttering. Her breathing is so shallow it's almost unnoticeable. Her lips are turning blue.

After hearing Bella's heartbeat I start to breathe again. Suddenly I smell something in the air... Is that... POT? But why would I smell pot here of all places. Especially with Bella living here. She wouldn't do something so stupid like get herself involved in drugs. She promised me she wouldn't do anything dangerous and drugs definitely constitute as dangerous in my mind. Alice gasped from behind me. I look over my shoulder to see what she is looking at. It registers in her mind the same time I see it. Alice's face is filled with remorse and shock. On Carlisle's desk is a needle with a little bit something in it, a spoon, a lighter, a razor blade as well as a lot of white powder residue all over the desk top.

"No Bella!" I growl out into the room. "Why would you do this to yourself? I can't believe you would do this! Alice we have to get her to a hospital, I can't lose her. She has to live. She can't die. I can't let her die." As if to emphasize my point Bella's heart skips another beat and stutters for a moment before taking another beat.

"No Edward. There's no time. Bella won't make it to the hospital no matter how fast we run or drive. She only has moment left. She's almost completely gone. You have to change her Edward. It's the only way she is going to be able to survive this. I have seen it."

"I can't Alice. I can't do that to her. How can I damn her to a life like this? Take away her soul? I can't" I chock out. I feel the venom stinging my eye. I wish so much for the tears I can never cry.

"Edward..." Alice whispers. "It's what she wanted. You can't just let her die. That's not fair to Bella and it's not fair to yourself. You know she would tell you to do it if she was awake. Then you could have her back in your life. There wouldn't be the whole issue of her safety. You would both be so happy again. Look at her Edward... She self-destructed without you... She looks so thin... She looks like she hasn't really slept for a really long time. She needs you as much as you need her. She needs you now more than ever."

I know Alice is right, but can I really be so selfish to damn her to this life. To an existence where she will always have to struggle with her overwhelming thirst. Could I turn her into a monster like me? True that she had begged me before to change her on numerous occasions but time changes things... What if she changed her mind? Would she then hate me for turning her into something like me, for not just letting her die in peace?

Just like that I made my decision. I didn't care if she spent the rest of our existence hating me for changing her. I would be there for her in every way doing my best to make her forgive me. I will be there for her until the end of time, right by her side, fighting for her until the end of time if need be.

Alice sees my decision and mutters out, "About. Fucking. Time. ," under her breath and grins at me. "Hurry Edward, you only have a few minutes left."

I take Bella's hand into my own. "Bella, my love. I'm so sorry. This is my entire fault." I don't know if she can hear me but I keep going. I just have to tell her this before I change her. "I promise I will make this all up to you. I love you. I have loved you since I first saw you. I never stopped loving you! I promise I will do everything in my power to make this up to you. Even if it takes me a thousand years... As long as you want me, I will be there. Please don't go!" I start to dry sob.

I gather her in my arms and hold her up to my chest, to my long dead heart. I bury my nose in her hair in the crook of her neck and take a deep breathe of her human scent. I run the tip of my nose along her jaw line peppering it with kisses. I take her face in my hands and kiss all over her forehead. I place a kiss on each eye lid and one on the tip of her nose. I finally place soft kisses on her soft lips while I sob. I push all my love for her into my kisses as I make my way down her neck again. I place one last gentle kiss on the vein on Bella's neck before I bite down.

My teeth cut through Bell's skin like it's not even there. Like a hot knife to a stick of cold butter. I feel her blood rush to my mouth and I instinctual swallow a mouthful. Her blood is just as sweet as I remember it but the monster within me is locked up tight right now. All I can concentrate on is Bella as I push as much venom as I can into her veins before I brush my tongue over the bite mark to seal the venom in, and so she doesn't lose too much blood. I place another kiss on the bit mark the move to do the same to her wrists and ankles.

As soon as I bring Bella into my arms again her heart stutters and misses a beat. Then another. Her heart has stopped beating. I have her flat on the floor in under a second and I am doing compressions on her chest making her heart beat for her. I start sobbing harder.

"No Bella! You just have to keep your heart beating. Don't do this! I LOVE YOU!" I keep doing compressions as seconds slowly turn to minutes.

I let out a growl of pure rage and slam my hand down to Bella's chest. Suddenly I feel our spark. The same spark I have felt with her from day one. Only it's like it's been super charged or something because it leaves my body and goes directly into Bella's chest. I literally see the little blue sparks go into her skin. Whatever happened between us acts sort of like a defibrillator shocking her heart, and causing her body to arch up off of the floor? It was like her heart had gotten a direct shock. Next thing I know I hear the most beautiful sound in the world.

_*THUMP-THUMP...*_

_*THUMP-THUMP...*_

Bella's heart has started beating again. I gather her back into my arms and let out a sigh of relief. Suddenly Bella lets out a blood curdling scream. She starts shaking violently in my arms for a moment then everything just stops. The only sounds that can be heard in the room are Bella's shallow breaths and the beating of her changing heart. If I didn't hear her heartbeat I would have been panicking she is so still, so quiet.

As it is I am starting to worry. Other than that one time at the very beginning she isn't making a single sound. Have I done something wrong? Did I wait too long? I remember my change with perfect recollection. You can't stop the screams. It's impossible. The pain is unbearable. I was clawing at my chest trying to rip my heart out of my body to put out the incredible fire. I was begging for death. Bella hasn't moved. Not even a little moan. Nothing. She just lays there breathing in and out and her heart is starting its final countdown.

Alice had left the room to call the family to inform them of what was going on when she saw them land in Seattle. I can't believe it has been two hours already. Alice is giving me some time alone with Bella. She knows I need it. I lightly pepper Bella's face and hair with kisses as I listen to Alice's mind as she explains to the family what had happened to Bella and what we found in the study that we think caused the whole situation in the first place. Alice had to tell them what Bella had been doing when we were gone and everyone was shocked to say the least. After Alice is done on the phone she comes back into the study with a confused and worried look on her face.

"What's wrong Alice? Is it about Bella? Have you seen something?" I ask her trying to read her thought. I don't see anything about a vision.

"Edward... Ummm... I think Bella has been living here for a while now. When I left the room to phone the family I went into mine and Jazz's old room and it's full of Bella stuff. Not to mention the whole house smells like she's been her for a while. I mean, she's like saturated into the fabrics of this house." Alice said taking a sniff of the air around her. Alice's eyes stay focused on me the entire time she is telling me this, trying to get a read on my emotions from the look in my eyes.

A surge of anger runs through me. "What!" I growl. "Where's Charlie? How could he let this happen to her? He the Chief of fucking Police and he let his daughter get mixed up into drugs? Surely he could have done something to get her help... forced her into rehab... Made her get treatment before she got this bad."

"I don't know... We will just have to figure out everything later. For now let's just concentrate on Bella's needs. This is going to be a big adjustment for her. She is going to be a Newborn Vampire. We will have to help her deal with her new impulses and cravings, and protect her from herself. We will need to keep a close eye on her so she doesn't do anything she will later regret." Alice warns me.

I just nod my head once and hold Bella a little tighter in my arms.

A few hours later Carlisle and the rest of our family arrive. Alice gets up as soon as we hear the cars crunching on the gravel driveway. Everyone rushes into the house with Carlisle leading the way. Jasper and Alice are in the back, holding hands and just being close to one another. The separation, although short, was too much for them. I let out a sigh of relief as soon as I see my family walk through the study door.

"Carlisle... I think I did something wrong... She has been so quiet. She just lies here, not moving, not making a sound. Can you check on her? Please? Make sure I did enough to save her." I look pleadingly towards Carlisle. I can feel the venom stinging my eyes once again with my unshedable tears.

Carlisle puts his hand on my shoulder and looks at me directly in the eyes. "Of course Edward. Why don't we move Bella somewhere more comfortable so I can examine her properly?"

I nod my head and gather Bella into my arms. I follow Carlisle into Alice and Jasper's room and lay her down softly on the bed. She will be here until we can get a bed set up in my old bedroom. I ordered one before we had left but never got around to installing it before so it's still upstairs in the attic in its original packaging. Emmett and Jasper let me know with their minds that they were going to set up the bed while Carlisle examines Bella.

I hold Bella's hand after I have her lying down on the center of the bed. I can't stand to be not touching her. I have gone to long without touching her that now it feels like I need that connection to stay sane. I don't know how I am going to make it through these three days if I can't physically touch her in some way. Even that is going to be hard until my beloved opens her eyes and I see that she is really alright. Our magnetic pull feels like it has multiplied by over a thousand times. No matter how much strength you put behind it, I was sure no one could keep us apart. Not that I would even let anyone try.

Carlisle is very quick and respectful when examining Bella. He keeps his mind blocked from me the entire time he is examining her though, so I don't know what to think. I start panicking. Did I mess up? Did I do something wrong? When he finally finishes his exam I am in full blown panic mode. He lays Bella's arm on the bed beside her and comes to stand beside me.

"Edward, I'm so proud of you. She will be fine! You did just perfectly well and her transformation is coming along very well. Her heartbeat is strong. Stronger that Emmett's or even Esme's was when I changed them. I am more concerned with how she is going to react to having all those drugs in her system. I want run some tests on the powder that is still on the table top downstairs as well as the study and also I want to take some samples from the syringe. I would like to know what exactly she was putting into her body. I'm going to go start getting sample for a drug analysis. I'll let you know what I find out." Carlisle says. He then squeezes my shoulder and turns and leaves the room, closing the door softly behind him.

'_Hey Bro! The rooms all set. You can bring Bells up here whenever you're ready.' _Emmett calls to me with his mind.

I scoop Bella up into my arms and carry her out the door and up the flight of stairs to my bedroom. I notice there is a fresh trail of Bella's scent up here, but it's very concentrated. Like she had only been up here once and it was very recently, most likely earlier in the day. What was she doing up here? I will have to ask her about it later after she wakes up.

When I walk through the doorway into my room I see the bed my brothers have just set up. It's perfect. Emmett and Jasper moved everything away and over to the side of my room and put the king size bed frame together. The head board is made out of black iron and it is woven around to look like roses creeping on vines. The head board looks amazing against the rich gold's in the bedding. There are giant pillows in various shade of gold and black decorating the bed finishing the look.

I look to my brothers to say thank you and see all the women of my family have come to join us in the room as well. I cradle Bella in my arms and crawl the middle of the bed, lying down with her held closely to my chest. I place a gentle kiss on her temple and settle in to hold her for the duration of her burning.

I lay with Bella for two days straight. Not moving a fraction of an inch away from her ever. I was just starting to prepare for another day when everything changed.

Bella's appearance has changed. Her face has become more defined, showing off her high cheek bones and perfect, pale, smooth skin. Her lips are slightly darker, more a red-ish colour than pink. They are fuller, but still hold their shape from before. One is still slightly fuller than the other. That fact brings a smile to my face. She still looks like my Bella. She still is Bella just slightly different. She's beautiful no matter what though. Some of the weight she lost before has filled out better with her new muscles. Her body is now lean in some places and curvy in all the right places. I can't help but take notice that her breast have filled out more, almost spilling out of her tank top Alice put her in. Her chestnut brown hair has grown several inches and is now almost to the edge of her ass.

Those aren't the only changed though. Carlisle had just entered the room to inform me of the drug analysis he ran on what he was able to secure in his study and around the house. He is just starting to inform me of his findings when Bella's heartbeat changes and her breathing picks up. The change is almost complete. How can this be though? It has only been just over two days. It can't be happening this fast. I look to Carlisle with panic filled eyes and he quickly check over Bella.

"I better call the others, Edward. She will be awake very soon. It's time..." Carlisle says as he leaves the room as vampire speed to get everyone together and upstairs with us. His mind is full of reassurances.

The family enters the room just as Bella's heart is taking its last beats. Bella's heart speeds up as the last person comes in threw the doorway and closes the door behind them. Everyone stands back with Jasper and Emmett in front of everyone, making sure they are all safe, should Bella be a little feisty when she wakes up. Bella's back arches off the bed as her heart takes off. It sounds like there is a tiny helicopter in her chest flying away. Suddenly with one last beat her heart pumps its last pump and Bella slumps back into the bed. No one in the room is breathing. Not Bella or anyone of my family or I.

He is lying as still as a marble statue, and is pale as the midnight moon in the sky. She looks dead. I am just starting to panic when Carlisle's thoughts brake through my own.

'_She's fine Edward. Just give her a moment to adjust to all the new senses and smells. Why don't you let her know you are here?'_

I run my hand down Bella's cheek and use my other to squeeze her hand. Suddenly Bella's eyes snap open and she take in a sharp gasp of air. When she sees me so close to her and my family in the room as well she suddenly flips herself out of my arms, off the bed and into the corner of my room.

Bella lands in the corner of my bedroom in a defensive crouch. Her nostrils flared as she takes in the air around her. Her bright crimson eyes are wary and appear to be looking for a way out of the room. A way to escape.

I take a step towards her to comfort her with my arms held wide out to take her into my arms and envelope her into a hug. Bella's eyes snap towards me and she lets out a fierce growl and an ear-splitting hiss while backing further into the corner. She lowers herself closer towards the ground as if she is preparing to spring at me if I come to close.

"Bella, love? I'm sorry I know it's disorienting, but you're alright. I promise I will explain everything to you if you will just give me the chance." I plead with her.

Bella just crouches lower at the sound of my voice and growls again.

Jasper's eyes catch mine.

'_Ed, she's terrified, and confused. She is very agitated and almost _angry_..._ _Especially when she sees you...'_ I nod my head once to let Jasper know that I heard him.

Jasper and Emmett prepare themselves in case Bella decides to attack. I hold up my hand to stop them and try to talk to her again.

"Bella everything is going to be okay... No one is here to hurt you. You know that..."

Bella shifts on the spot before straightening herself out of her crouch slightly. She looks at me for a moment then my family before opening her mouth to speak. Everyone is impatient to hear what she has to say; we all hold our breath in anticipation.

Suddenly the most beautiful voice said I have ever heart said the three words that finally ripped my long dead heart out of my chest and crushed it between her fingers.

Alice gasped the same time Bella growled, "Who are you...?"

_**End A/N: Whew! I am so worried I didn't do Edward any justice... If I get five reviews for the last three chapters I just uploaded I will put up chapter three tonight! I know, I know blackmail! But you all love me!**_

_**Much Love, **_

_**Misspink775**_


	4. Chapter Three

_**FULL SUMMARY: Desperate for a way to cope with her feelings of desperation after Edward leaves in New Moon, Bella discovers a brand new way to deal at a party in Port A. One night a year after Bella's 18th b-day changes everything. Will anything ever be the same? R&R. Rated M for Mature Themes, Language, Severe Drug and Alcohol usage, and possibly future lemons. (Not sure I've never written a lemon. I will try though...) If you are sensitive to any of this type of material please feel free to read something else and I am sorry if you are offended.**_

_**A/N: I do NOT own Twilight. I'll leave that up to the great Stephenie Meyer. I still wish I do though... Santa obviously thought I was too naughty to get even one of the Cullen boys under the tree this year... :(**_

_**A/N/N: This is my first time writing anything on fan-fiction so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know what you like and what you don't like and what you would like to see worked on. I am willing to take suggestions for this story so leave me a review if you want to see something in later chapters and I just may add it in if it fits where my story is going...**_

**Edwards POV**

Alice gasped the same time Bella growled,

"Who are you?"

Everyone in the room froze. Not one member of my family made a sound. Not one of us is taking even a single breath of air. This has to be a joke. Just some sick twisted joke on us for ever leaving her. On me for leaving her. Maybe this is her way for getting back at us. At me. Even as the thought filter around in my head I know it is not a joke. She meant every word she had spoken not ten seconds ago. Alice had seen it the moment before she had spoken. She didn't remember my family, she didn't remember all the days we all had spent together, she didn't remember the love we had shared, and she didn't even remember... me. The amount of mending my heart had started to do in the time I have been reunited with my love seems to tear away leaving my heart battered and bloody, or as if it's not even in my body. I feel almost hollow. If it wasn't for Carlisle I don't know what I would have done. He is looking at this from every angle. Taking the scientific approach and is curious to know if Bella remembers anything from her human life or if her mind has been wiped clean like a blank slate. I can't help but hope she remembers something.

After having waited in silence for several moments and having no one answer her, Bella says again louder with a growl in her throat and her teeth bared, "I said Who. The. Fuck. Are You?"

My family's minds show they are all shocked by Bella's choice of words. Before her change Bella rarely swore and she could barely utter tiny explicits like crap or damn without turning beat red and apologising right away after for forgetting herself. Carlisle choose to ignore her vocabulary and takes a step forward as he cleared his throat. When Bella sees Carlisle's slight movements she lowers herself further into her crouching position and lets out a low warning growl.

"Not to close." She warns watching us all in her peripheral vision while never removing her eyes from Carlisle's.

Carlisle, who stop all movements at Bella's warning, holds up his hands in a sign of peace and takes a small step back giving Bella a little more space so as not to crowd her.

"We are the Cullen's I am Carlisle and I am the head of this family I guess you could say. This is my wife Esme. Over to her right are my children Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett. The man closest to you is my son Edward." Carlisle says gesturing to each of us as he says our names. Bella's eyes shift toward up as he points out who's, who.

"What do you remember from before you woke up?" Carlisle asks looking at Bella trying to judge her response. I watch her face very carefully reading every emotion that crosses her face. What I wouldn't give to read her mind and know what she's thinking. I would know exactly what she remembers, and I would be able to go from there to figure out what to do. I see what looks like anger flash across her features.

"What makes you think I would tell you? Why is it even any of your business?" Bella demands.

"Do you remember us? Emmett asks sounding heartbroken that his baby sister could have forgotten about him so easily. "Any of us at all?" He asks again looking at her with eyes filled with brotherly affection and hope.

Bella pauses for a second and looks at Emmett with questioning eyes. For a moment I almost allowed myself to hope. My fantasy's where crushed. "No, should I?"

"Do you remember anything from before your change? Perhaps see anything when you close your eyes or hear anything in your head calling out to you...? Anything that could be considered a memory?" Carlisle asks my love.

Bella pauses for a moment looking cautious about sharing any information with us but finally must have decided she trusted us enough to talk freely. She begins speaking in a strong, crystal like voice. Every word sounds like crystal bells coming from her sweet mouth.

"When I first awoke and all threw the fire I remember hearing one word... 'Bella' That is the only memory I bring with me into this world and I don't know what it means... I don't know what the fucking significance of the word is to me!" Bella says. Frustration evident in her voice.

"Bella," I say permitting myself the luxury of letting her name roll off my lips. "That is your name. Well it is what you preferred to be called anyways. Your full name is Isabella Marie Swan... Whenever someone made the mistake of calling you Isabella they received a look that I was positive could melt their eyeballs." I grin at some of the memories I have resurrected.

Bella gives me a calculated look, wrinkles her nose, narrows her brow, and appears to be in deep concentration.

"How is it you all know so much about me?" Bella finally asks. " I'm not sure I like that little fact seeing as I only know you all by name and that may not even be real. For all I know you are all playing some sick, twisted, fucked up game with me and are planning to attack me or do something dumb shit like that. Can you guys back the fuck up a bit? There are seven of you and only one of me. Doesn't really set the tone for a calm discussion. It certainly doesn't calm me down anymore that out of the seven of you four are men.

" Now I'm not sure about you Carlisle but you and pretty boy over there-" Bella motions towards me with her head, and I can already her Emmett cracking up in his head, "-probably at least know the basics of fight and defending yourselves... And then you look over at Goldie Locks and The Grizzly Bear. Judging by Goldie's Scares he's won more than his share of fights in his time and Grizzly looks like he could fight the world and keep going, looking for his next opponent. And why not when he is so obviously a natural born fighter. Do you honestly think I stand a snowballs chance in Hell if you all decided to gang up and attack? Like seriously! JESUS! FUCK!" Bella says starting to get angry but still maintaining her composure.

She is acting so rationally. She hasn't even feed yet... How is she so rational? I have never seen anything like her. She must be so thirsty.

"Bella do you feel any strong emotions when you look more closely at us?" Carlisle asks.

" Well, I feel some fucking frustrations at the fact that you all seem to know what the hell is going on here and I seem to be getting left in the dark. I am not a big fan of the dark." Bella states firmly.

"I am very sorry Bella. What I am trying to see is if you have any connections towards any of us. Perhaps some of the bonds our family has made with you during your human life has followed you into this one. I am hopping subconsciously some of your human memories are locked within your brain and you might one day be able to remember everything again. For now I am just wondering if you are drawn to anyone you were close to before."

Bella considers what Carlisle's said and responds after a moment of thought with a nod of her head. Once again I am hit with the urge to know what she is thinking. What I wouldn't give to be able to see in her head for this one day.

Bella cast a glance at my family and me but suddenly her eyes snap back at Alice. Her eyes are glued to her.

"The little pixie chick, Alice I believe you called her," Bella inhales a sharp gust of air, "there is something about her. Something that makes me want to trust her. It's as if I know she not only doesn't pose a threat to me but would also stand beside me and fight for me with her life. She would never hurt me. Not intentionally. I feel a strong connection to her; a bond that's almost sisterly but just so much more..." Bella breaths out slowly staring deep into Alice's eyes.

Alice's eyes were glistening with venomous tear that would never be able to fall. If they would she would be crying tears of pure joy and happiness. You didn't need to have Jasper's gift to feel the emotions coming off of her. She was ecstatic that even if Bella had lost her memories, their connection had somehow survived the damage. You could feel her happiness in the air and it seemed Jasper was really enjoying his wife's emotions. It had been awhile since Alice had been anything but sad. Now that she was back in Bella's life she was back to her normally happy self. As a result Jasper was happier and more comfortable.

"That's wonderful Bella! Anyone else?" Carlisle asks after a moment of silence.

Bella's eyes focus more on each person's eyes as she looks every person over again. This time taking extra time looking at each or my sibling them my parents. Once her eyes are on mine she stares into my eyes for what feels like an eternity. Much longer than anyone else in my family. Does that mean she remembers me somehow? That our bond is showing through and if she does remember me even in the slightest, is it in a good way or a bad.

My mind is still running through all these different thoughts when Bella looks away biting her lip and says the final two words that rip out my long dead heart.

"No one."

My fragile heart is finally shattered. She doesn't remember me. I can't believe it. She doesn't remember me! The love we felt for one another... Had what I been praying for all this time finally come to pass? Had she moved on? Had she truly forgotten about me? Oh god what have I done. I have never regretted making a wish as stupid as I had. How could I ever wish that this angel could forget about me? I was selfish and never truly wanted her to forget about me. That's why I left everything behind for her. The pictures, the C.D. of my compositions and her lullaby. the plane tickets. Everything. It was all under the loose floor board in her room. I didn't want her to know I had left them for her but I could leave her without something of myself. They had to stay with who they belonged. I wish I never wished for her to forget about me, about my family. I never should have left her. None of this would have happened if I had stayed where I belonged. I never should have been so stupid.

I feel like I am burning. As if my heart had been set on fire and I am burning from the inside out. The love of my life, of my existence, doesn't remember who I am. From the way Bella has been acting around me I don't even think she is particularly fond of me. She doesn't even try to hide the looks she is giving me. She looks like she is trying to figure out a difficult math equation in her head. More likely is that she is trying to figure me out. She is acting as if I have caused her some major annoyance by simply being in the same room as her. Perhaps she has brought some of her hatred for me from her human life into this one.

Alice's thoughts suddenly bring me out of my brooding.

_'Edward, you've been given a second chance! Don't you see? You can make things right now. This is a chance to start fresh as equals. Just because she doesn't remember the past doesn't mean you can't build a new future... Start by gaining her trust. Tell her about your time together. The good AND the bad. Tell her everything to remember. Don't forget there is a possibility that she will remember everything on her own one day given time. Everything is just so fuzzy when I try to see her future. It's like I can only see her when she make a solid decision...' Alice continues to think to herself._

Suddenly Alice's eyes snap to mine. _'JUST DON'T YOU DARE SCREW THIS UP AGAIN EDWARD OR SO HELP ME GOD...' _The next thing I know my mind is being flooded with imaged of Alice ripping off tiny chunks off my body and scattering them leaving me as just a torso with a head. While she does leave all my other body past scattered on the ground she grabs my manhood and rips it of the throws it into a roaring fire leaving me alone in the woods to put myself back together minus one important piece that I would never see again.

I cringe at the mental picture she had created for me and move my body slightly to protect my manhood.

I nod my head once as if to say, ' Yeah Alice, reading you loud and clear. If I was to stay in one piece with my dick firmly attached I won't mess up and I will start smartening the fuck up...'

Carlisle pauses for a brief moment letting this new information sink in and going over different reasons for it in his head. After a moment he speaks again.

"Well Bella, I guess I will just start explaining a little bit of what's going on and give you some information about your past and who we are involving it. I do think there is more important things to do before we get too deep into this conversation so I will keep it brief.

"You came to here to Forks, to live with your father Carlisle Swan just about two years ago, half way through the school year. At school everyone was very interested in you and you drew a lot of attention but you tended to shy away from it all, simply wanting to blend in with you surroundings and go about your life without notice. When you saw my children on your first day you did something that baffled us all. You see while most humans shy away from our kind. You became drawn to them, and wanted to interact with them.

"Eventually you found out what my family and I were and while most normal people would have either run away screaming you didn't seem to care. You loved us all and we loved you. On several occasions you expressed a great desire to become like us. Actually you fought with Edward constantly about it. It was really the only fighting you two ever really did.

"You were like a daughter to my wife and a beloved little sister to my children. You were Alice's best friend and Edward, well Edward was another matter entirely. You were his other half. Just after your eighteenth birthday my family and I left, for reasons we will discuss at a later date, and we moved to live on some land we own in Alaska.

"On your nineteenth birthday Alice and Edward were coming back here to check on you and make sure you were faring well on your own when Alice had a vision of you dying. They barely made it here in time to save your life.

"It seems during the change you have lost your human memories thought. While I do have a few ideas as to why that may be, I am not a hundred percent certain as of right now. I would like to run some tests with your permission to find out if I am correct in my assumptions and if so can it be reversed or will your memories come back naturally." Carlisle quickly explains to Bella.

"I guess that would be alright..." Bella says though sounding unsure. "I do have one question though. You keep referring to yourselves as not human and saying I've changed. What have I changed into? I feel strong; I can see everything around me. I can smell everything. I feel fast... What am I?"

"Bella dear, I know this may come as a surprise but my family and I, including yourself, are vampires. I know it's a lot of information to take in at once but I really think you should hunt. right away. You must be incredibly thirsty and it must be making things harder to concentrate. You will feel better after you have feed, then we can talk some more and I will answer any questions you have. Everyone needs to hunt so we will all go with you and teach you what to do. It comes naturally so you shouldn't worry. But hunting would be most beneficial." Carlisle tells her.

I stand silently watching Bella's face as she takes in all the information Carlisle has given her. As soon as he told her wheat we were, what she now is, and tells her she should hunt because of her thirst I see her features change. I see her thirst as expected but what I am not prepared for is the look of pure rage and hatred on her face. She looks so angry... Jasper confirms my suspicions. She is angry. Very angry. What I can't figure out is what seemed to trigger it. Why in God's name can't I read her mind already?

"What's wrong? Why did you get angry when Carlisle suggested hunting? I just don't understand why..." I ask Bella looking her in the eyes.

I can almost feel her anger increasing and being shifted towards me when she answers. He eyes never leave mine.

"I may not have any memories from my human life but I still do have most general knowledge of the world, and that includes myths, or what I thought were myths anyways. I know that vampires have to kill people to survive but I'm fucking sorry for getting pissed at the fact that now I have to become a murderer. I have to take innocent lives just so I can exist. Just so I can feed myself. It's wrong that so many lives will be lost today because we have to eat. Is so wrong to be angry that so many lives will be lost in one hunt? I don't want to be a monster." Bella bites out her words harshly.

"Oh Bella!" Alice shrieks bouncing up and down in place. "I fucking love you so much right now! Do you know what you just did? You just chose our lifestyle all on your own without even knowing there was another option! Bella. Honey. My family and I don't kill people. We drink the blood of animals so we don't have to be killers, to be monsters." Alice dances around on one spot happily explaining our diet to Bella and being tickled pink that she chose this option on her own without even knowing about having it.

Bella's face relaxes immediately at Alice's words.

"Well, if that's the case let's get the hell out of here and hunt. My throat is burning I'm so parched, and so dry it feels like dust. I feel like I swallowed a desert." Bella smirks at Alice.

"Well then, let's get you into something you can hunt in?" Alice suggests, skipping towards the closet with Bella following at a slight distances behind. She is only about two feet away from Alice right now. That is the closest she has let anyone near her, and don't you think Alice hasn't noticed. She is ecstatic. Everyone leaves the room to wait for Bella to change except for Alice, and Jasper. He stands just outside the door should the need arise that he has to restrain Bella from hurting herself or Alice.

I growl softly at the idea of him physically restraining her. Yes, I know she can't be injured easily anymore but I still feel very protective of her. Old habits I guess.

Once downstairs my family and I all loose ourselves in thought. For myself I am not just lost in my own thoughts but those of my family as well. I concentrate on my families thoughts and try to understand Their emotions through their thoughts.

Emmett, always the most positive and carefree on in the family was looking at all the good things that Bella's memory loss could mean. _'Sure she may not remember us right now, but we'll give her a bit of time to get to know us again and she'll be all over us again. I'm positive it won't take long for her to warm up to us again anyways. I mean look how fast she was drawn to us in the first place... I bet by the end of the day I can get a hug outta her... Hmmm... she does seem a bit feisty. Okay two days and I'll get a hug... I wonder if what they said about her being stronger than me right now is true. I doubt it... She still looks to tiny. I wonder if I can get her to arm wrestle me sometime soon so we can see? One step at a time. First I get my Bella-Boo back, then I get my hug, THEN I find out who's stronger... I'll show them all! _

_'Hmmm... I wonder if when she warms up to me more I can convince her to help me with pranking Eddie boy. Maybe with her help I will finally be able to pull something good on him. He has gotten off way to easily when it comes to pranking and Bella always said no when I asked her before. Now it looks like Eddies on an even playing field like the rest of us. It about time Eddies gets caught up to speed with a couple of good pranks in the near future. _'Emmett's thoughts cause me to chuckle slightly. He is thinking of all the good things that happened from Bella's memory lose just as I knew he would. Instead of feeling cheated because she had forgotten him He is already planning on things he is going to talk her into doing with him when she is more comfortable with him. I almost groan out loud when his thought return to wondering about who is stronger between the two of them and wanting to find out soon.

Esme on the other hand was forever the mother. She was worrying about Bella. I tried to block out the others thoughts as I concentrated on her mind for a moment. _'Oh my poor sweet girl. I never should have left her. A mother would never abandon her child and I did just that. I've failed her. I've let her down. I hope her memory come back to her. Please Lord let Carlisle be right about her memory one day coming back to her. I hope for all our sake this is only temporary. And my poor son. Oh Edward... Just when everything was supposed to start getting better another obstacle is thrown in his way. He has never done anything to warrant such heartbreak. He was alone for too long. Please, God if your there, help them both get through this...'_

It hurts to hear Esme's thoughts so I focus on Rosalie's mind for a little while. She surprises me with the fact that her thoughts are mostly positive.

'_Okay, yes it's terrible that Bella lost her memory and doesn't remember us. But, maybe it's not as bad as it all sounds. Now she and I can start fresh. I can make up for being a bitch to her the first time around. I have to admit I missed the human. Plus now she is a vampire. We have more in common. I am going to work my ass off to be better this time around. I won't be the same jealous bitch I was before. I can almost see a little bit of myself in her now... Maybe I somehow rubbed off on her in the time we did spend together when she was human. Good. She was too meek before. She needs a bit of a back bone or she could end up getting walked all over. I mean look what Edward did to her... If he had tried that shit with me I would have kicked his ass, human or not. She definitely isn't the same shy, mousy, girl from before. She seems to have much more confidence in herself now. _

_' Yeah I think getting along with Bella Swan is going to be a lot easier this time around...'_Rosalie's thoughts lead off thinking more about Bella and her other changes that came with her in her new life.

Carlisle's mind, on the other hand, is filled with several different thoughts. All of which concern Bella. I concentrate on his mind now hoping to find some kind of answer as to why Bella has lost her memory...

'_It's amazing how much control has for a newborn. She is barely an hour old and she is acting more level headed than one, decades older than she is. She hasn't hunted, yet she is able to keep up a coherent conversation with us quite well. Her concentration is remarkable and not once did she try to attack one of us even though she has no memories of her past. It's obvious she felt threatened by all of us..._

'_I wonder what could have caused the memory loss. I am almost positive it has to do with what I found in the drug analysis I ran on the chemicals I found all around the house. I will have to run more tests to be sure but my both my mind and my heart tells me this is right. I just worry about how Edward will take the news if I am right. He will blame himself, I am sure... I just need to figure out how it got there in the first place... I just don't understand it...'_

Carlisle's thoughts left me troubled. He was making sure not to think about whatever he thought had caused Bella's memory loss. If he won't even think about it, it must be bad. His thoughts confused me... How did what get in where?

I was just going to call him out on his thoughts and ask him to explain them when I heard movement on the stairs. I look up and see Jasper walking down the stairs slowly, followed by Alice who was walking about two feet to Bella's side.

When Bella had first woken up I hadn't really taken the time to really look at her. And I mean _REALLY_ look at her. Immortality sure does suit her. During her transformation her chestnut hair had grown several inches and darkened so it was almost a raven black. Bella's hair now fell down in waves, almost all the way to slide delicately over the curve of her curvaceous ass. Her once chocolate brown eyes where now a fiery crimson because of her blood that was still in her veins. Her almond shaped eyes became more pronounced and complemented her face perfectly. Her pale, ivory skin looks incredible framed by the long dark hair. Her lips have filled out more, so they look poutier and are now stained a red-ish - pink colour.

She came down the stairs wearing a skin tight, ice blue, tank top and black skinny jeans. They clung to her curves like a second skin. What kind of shoes did Alice put her in? Five inch heeled, knee high boots? They did make Bella's already mile long legs look even longer... And the black shinny leather with the silver spikes around the top of the boots was pretty... hot on her...

_' Just so you know brother dearest,' _Alice's thought call out to me, _' Bella picked out not only this whole outfit but the boots as well, not me. In fact they seem to be hers from before the change.'_

Bella picked out those boots? Before everything Bella would never wear something like that. She would say they were a death trap and wouldn't even allow Alice to force her into them. But as the air moves around the room I can smells Bella's heavenly, human scent still lingering in the well-worn leather. She has obviously worn these boots on numerous occasions.

She looks amazing. I'm not saying she didn't look amazing before the change but everything about the change has brought out her features that I love most about her. The thing I am most grateful for though is the she still looks like my Bella, and that comforts me a great deal.

My family's thoughts have all gone nearly silent when they noticed Bella enter the room. It's like they had all just really looked at her for the first time as well. They are looking at her so reverently, almost as if she was a fallen angel sent here to save us all. Who knows maybe she is. There was only one really thought that ran through my families mind and it was, _"Amazing." _The word fits her perfectly. She is amazing in every sense on the word. After a moment of just watching Bella without mouths hang wide open, Bella clears her throat.

"Uhhh... What the hell are you all staring at? Are we going hunting or not? I'm getting pretty fucking thirsty over here. Are we going to be leaving anytime soon or are you all just going to stand there with your mouths open gawking at me?" Bella asks.

Alice's bell like laugh echo's through-out the room. "Don't mind them Bella, you just shocked them all into silence when you entered the room looking all kinds of hot. They will be fine is a few moments. Let's go hunt. I'm sure we can find you a nice, big, strong, mountain lion you can sink your teeth into out there with you name on it." Alice says to Bella but winks at me when she mentions mountain lions.

I can feel my eyes darken slightly just picturing her hunting a mountain lion. How she would spring lithely and land on it back. She would wrestle it down to the ground, all the while never breaking a sweat. She would hold the dead animal to her mouth as she wrapped her lips around it jugular and drank from it finally helping to dull the fire in her throat... A low growl almost slips from my lips as I feel my pants start to strain against my now prominent erection.

I shake my head trying to clear the images from my head before I get myself into too much trouble.

"Well if everyone is ready we should really get going." Carlisle states helping to bring me out of my fantasy induced fog.

Everyone quickly agrees and we make our way out of the house to into the surrounding forest.

_**Thank-you for all the supportive PM'S and Reviews leave me some love in a review and I'll reward you with an early post of the next chapter ;) Yes I'm not too ashamed to resort to bribery. See you soon…**_

Much Love XOXO  
Misspink775


	5. Chapter Four

_**FULL SUMMARY: Desperate for a way to cope with her feelings of desperation after Edward leaves in New Moon, Bella discovers a brand new way to deal at a party in Port A. One night a year after Bella's 18th b-day changes everything. Will anything ever be the same? R&R. Rated M for Mature Themes, Language, Severe Drug and Alcohol usage, and possibly future lemons. (Not sure I've never written a lemon. I will try though...) If you are sensitive to any of this type of material please feel free to read something else and I am sorry if you are offended.**_

_**A/N: I do NOT own Twilight. I'll leave that up to the great Stephenie Meyer. I still wish I do though... Santa obviously thought I was too naughty to get even one of the Cullen boys under the tree this year... :(**_

_**A/N/N: This is my first time writing anything on fan-fiction so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know what you like and what you don't like and what you would like to see worked on. I am willing to take suggestions for this story so leave me a review if you want to see something in later chapters and I just may add it in if it fits where my story is going...**_

_**Last time...**_

"_Well if everyone is ready we should really get going." Carlisle states helping to bring me out of my fantasy induced fog._

_Everyone quickly agrees and we make our way out of the house to into the surrounding forest._

**EPOV**

We take off on a slow, for a vampire anyways, run. Bella keeps close to Alice. Watching how she twists her body through the trees and how her feet make impact with the earth with each fraction of an inch me move deeper into the thick trees surrounding our seems to be mimicking Alice's dance like movements through the forest as if it all came naturally. I guess the clumsy Bella I had once oddly enjoyed saving from herself was now a graceful swan.

Alice, Bella and I slow to a stop when we near the river that runs through our land close to our home. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Jasper all make simple jumps over the rippling water and land gracefully on the other side and wait for Bella. Emmett on the other hand chooses to just run straight through the rapidly running stream; splashing fat droplets of water all over everything.

As Alice, Bella and I start running at a slightly slower pace towards the river I start slowing my pace more so I can demonstrate to Bella how to make the jump so she doesn't feel self-conscious about not being sure about how to do it properly. Bella doesn't seem to even notice that I've slowed my pace. She speeds up and runs straight at the river, her eyes scanning the rocks around the edge on both sides.

Suddenly Bella picks up speed and springs from a rock at the edge of the river. Bella goes sailing through the air. When she is about half way across the river she tucks her head to her knees and makes herself into a ball, spinning three times, before pulling herself straight and landing in a tree on the other side of the stream.

As Alice and I make our jumps Alice catches my eye and we are both thinking the same thing... Wow... She was giving Alice a run for her money in the grace department. Every step she took looks like she is in the middle of an exotic dance.

We get to the other side of the river and Bella leaps down from her tree branch, with a little giggle, landing lightly on the tips of her toes before resting on her feet so she won't break the heels off her boots. She makes her way over to Alice and stands with a little smile on her face until she sees that everyone is staring at her quite openly, mouths agape. She looks at my family, looks at the river, looks at herself up and down, and then raises an eyebrow.

"What?" She finally asks. "Did I do something wrong? Did I step in some shit? Did I grow a fucking tail and maybe some horns outta my forehead? Just... What?"

All at the same time my family looks at her and reply, "Nothing..."

I just shake my head... Smooth guys. Because that's not going to make her uncomfortable at all. When someone asks you a question and everyone in your vicinity answers "nothing" you know its "something" you just don't know what but you know it has to do with you and it gives you a really paranoid feeling. I sigh shaking my head again...

"We are all simply shocked by how graceful you are." I speak up looking her directly in the eyes. "Before... Well before everything, the emergency room was a place you frequented quite often because of your numerous bouts with were terribly clumsy and I guess we were just assuming your clumsiness would still be around slightly as a vampire but now... well now you are one of the most graceful vampires any of us has ever seen. You're even fighting Alice for her spot for number one that we know... It's just surprising is all?"

Bella thinks about what I said for a moment then replies with a simple "Oh..."

"But this is a hunting trip so let's go find you something that smells palatable." Alice chimes a moment after Bella has had a moment to digest the new nugget of information.

We all take off into a run again this time at a slightly quicker pace. After about 150 miles are between us a Forks we decide it's safe to start hunting. I let my sciences expand around me and in the distance to the North East I can smell a warm, rich, tangy, and slightly nutty scent. I can hear tongues lapping at a stream of water, and five stead heart beats. Elk. They should do nicely for now. Something easy for her first time. Plus I don't think I could manage seeing her take down a mountain lion. The urge to take her, right then and there, would be too much.

My family smells the elk as well and slow down and start walking before coming to a complete stand still. We all watch Bella to see how she will react towards the smell of the elk and what she will do about it. She takes in a deep breath through her nose and she looks like she is going to say something. Probably ask why we have all stopped moving. Suddenly her breath hitches before she says anything though. She takes another breath through her nose and mouth this time at the same time almost as if she tastes the air.

Bella tilts her head towards where the smell is coming from and her eyes zero in as she listens closely, no doubt hearing their heart beats. She takes another sniff of the air before suddenly bolting towards the smell in a perfect hunting crouch. We couldn't even explain anything and she was gone. At least this all comes naturally to a vampire. It wasn't really taught behaviour to drink blood.

We all follow behind a ways from Bella making sure not to make her think we are trying to steal her kill. The last think we need right now is Bella to turn on us because she feels the need to protect her hunt. She is racing crouched low to the ground towards the North-East, using the trees when they are quicker to get where she is going.

The elk are all gathered in a small circular clearing, drinking from a streaming that runs through the middle cutting it directly in half.

Bella stands as still as a statue in the thick bushes just watching the animals for a moment, almost as if she is picking out the best take a deep breath in through her nose again before her eyes zero in on a young, but still the largest by far, male buck. He has the strongest heartbeat of them all. His antlers are huge. Twice the any I've seen in this area in a long time. It seems this one is Bella's now.

It seems without a second thought Bella crouches lower and spring out from the trees. Before any of the other elk know what has happened Bella is firmly planted on the bucks back and has snapped the creature's neck and flipped it over onto the wrapped around the buck's now lifeless body Bella lowers her lips down into the jugular. From here it almost looks like Bella is kissing the animals neck. I can hear her teeth sink in like a hot knife slicing through butter. I can hear the blood filling Bella's mouth as she swallows mouthful after mouthful of blood.

Picturing Bella hunting in my mind wasn't even half as erotic as watching it happen right in from of me. She is a natural, graceful huntress, but that not it. Seeing her moving like she was... mixed with the scent of the fresh blood in the air... the ways her long dark hair moved as she sprang at the elk. My eyes darken and once again I feel my pants start to tighten. She is exquisite. Perfect.

I need to control myself. If I don't get a hold of myself I am going to end up going over there and ripping those skin tight clothes of hers to shreds before I proceed to make her feel as desperate for release as I am right now... I will make her as mine in every way possible! Mm mm... Those boots though... those boots can stay on. I would love to feel her pressing the heels of those amazing boots into the skin of my ass while I drilled into her over and over again...

Shit, I need a cold shower... If only that would help me out. If I don't get a handle on this I will probably end up scaring her away and lose any chance of getting her to put her trust in me again.

I hear Bella pull the last mouthful of blood from the buck. She shoves the carcase away from herself looking at it in disgust.

"Why am I still thirsty?" Bella grumbles.

I shift my weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably trying to adjust myself subtly, and then answer her question." You are young. You will need more blood, more frequently for a while to sustain yourself until you can get your thirst under control."

I hope no one can hear the strain in my voice. The image of Bella hunting is ingrained in my mind and it's playing on repeat. It's all I can do not to rush across the small area that distances us and ravage her. I know I can't do that but the draw her blood once held for me is nowhere near this over powering. Just being near her is making it hard to function. In every sense of the word. No pun intended.

Hoping my family won't notice is like wishing for world peace; never gonna happen. With Jasper's ability for sensing people's emotions there was no way he wasn't able to pick up on what I am currently feeling. Just as the thought crossed my mind Jasper looks at me and smirks.

'_Can you cool it a bit with the lust, Edward? I need to keep an eye on Bella and you're not helping me at all. All I can think about is running off with Alice deep into the woods and having my way with her but I'm needed here. I know what it's like to watch your mate hunt but because of the situation you are in you have to gain control of your feelings. We all have to earn her trust, and with her emotions towards you, you may need to work harder than the rest of us. Bella has changed from before. She is a new woman and we will have to adapt to her not the other way around.'_ Jasper's thinks to me, offering me some advice.

When Emmett notices my err... problem, on the other hand he decides to use this new piece of information to his advantage.

'_Oh Eddie boy... What this? Is our little Bella finally thawing out our little prude? Does she make you randy Eddie? Does she make you want to take off that damn chastity belt you have worn your whole damn life and actually get your dick wet? I don't know how you made it past twenty years let alone over a hundred with that thing firmly attached. After all you are a pretty boy. Are you sure your dick hasn't fallen off from lack of use? And just think Eddie boy... Bella's a vamp like us now. She isn't breakable anymore. You can do anything, and I do mean anything and you don't have to worry about breaking her...'_

Emmett starts picturing all the different positions he and Rosalie have done it as well as some he has invented. I shudder at the mental image going through his mind. He is just excited because I am... excited.

Alice and Rosalie keep exchanging knowing smirks whenever they meet one another's eyes, but other than that, they didn't make a direct comment toward me with their minds.

Carlisle looks at Esme, then they both glance at me at the same time, they then look at each other and smile. Carlisle puts his arm around Esme and pulls her closer to him. He radiates pride as does Esme. I immediately feel embarrassed. Great my parents know I am sexual stimulated right now. I know they thought I was changed to young but it was just that I never found my one and only.

It's not like I haven't heard each and every one of them in the throes of passion. And with my gift I saw allot more then I was supposed to as well. But I still try to give my family as much privacy as possible. Especially Carlisle and Esme. I didn't want to think of my sweet, kind parents, getting it on. Hey may not be my real parent but that is the way I have always thought of them all throughout my vampire existence.

Putting all of my attention back towards Bella, I see her kick the drained elk and murmur quietly something about it being a tease. Out of know where I see Bella tense for a split second as the wind blows a gust of air from the south. Closer to Forks. The sent reaches my family and I just milliseconds after it does Bella but she is gone racing after it before I even have time to stop her. Before I even have time to register what she smells.

Blood. Human blood. Somewhere close there is a human close by and they are bleeding. Somewhere close there is a human bleeding, with a newborn vampire racing right towards them to hunt them down.

We all take off running as fast as we can after Bella. I have the best chance at catching up to her, hopefully to stop her in time. Holy Hell she's fast! Nearly faster than me. Plus she has a head start. I push myself harder trying to get to her in time. I am running at full force.

I can hear the person who is breeding's mind now. It's just a girl. She is only four. Bella will never forgive herself if she kills this innocent child. She has hardly gotten to experience life she shouldn't have it ended so soon. The little girl is camping in the woods with her family. She wandered down a path through the trees and fell down while playing by the stream that runs through the woods. She's lost and scared and just wants her mommy.

Bella starts running faster all of the while she is coming closer and closer to the little girl. How the hell is she so fast? Carlisle's mind is on the same page as mine. He has never seen a vampire as fast as Bella in his entire three hundred and fifty plus years. I wasn't' even close to that fast when I was a newborn and my strength and speed where at their highest.

I scan the forest ahead of me looking for any sight of Bella- hoping she is still in my line of view. Dammit. She isn't. I can't see her anywhere. I'll have to follow her scent. I could find her scent anywhere, it so powerful to me. Suddenly I know exactly where she is... I can see her through the eyes of the child.

There isn't anything I can do now. I know it. I still have to try though, I get to the edge of the clearing by the stream and immediately I see Bella there with the child. Their... talking? How can Bella control herself enough to stand there and talk to this little girl? She should have ripped out her throat without even giving it a seconds thought. She should be so consumed by blood lust. The only things on her mind should be _killing_ and _consuming_.

I stay where I am hidden in the trees just watching how this plays out. I can't go in there all gung ho and cause Bella to snap and kill the child only because she is trying to fight me.

I am still hiding in the trees when my family finally caught up to minds are filled with concern for Bella's wellbeing as well for the human she went stalking after. All at once their minds are berating me with questions. Where is she...? What happened...? Did she kill the human...? What should we do with the body...? What will happen now...? I raise my hand and motion for them to look towards Bella's direction.

Bella and Kim, as I found out was the little girl's name, were standing there talking about everything and nothing. My family made a move to go after Bella but again I stop them by raising my hand.

"Just watch." I urge them in a whisper; being as quiet as possible.

I can tell my family wants to protest but they seem to trust my judgement when they see my face because they turn in the direction of Bella and little Kim or should I say little Kimmi with an I, as she made sure to inform Bella was her name, is currently talking Bella's ear off.

Bella listens intently as she picks Kimmi up off the ground and sets her on a large, smooth boulder, which is embedded in the earth by the stream.

"I'm just going to clean up these yucky scratches, okay?" Bella says, smoothing down Kimmi's little blond pig tails.

Kimmi grimaces while biting her lip and looks over in our direction. My breath catches in my throat. She has Bella exact same colour of chocolate brown eyes. She could be Bella daughter if her hair was brown. They even have some of the same features. I wonder if somehow they are related... But Bella once told me she doesn't have any family besides her mother and her father. No Aunts or Uncles. It must just be a coincidence.

"Is der gonna be blood? I hates blood..." Kimmi asks after a moment.

"You don't like blood? How's abouts I tell you secret? I don't either. Just don't look and I promise you won't feel a thing, okay angel? Why don't you tell me about yourself? What's your favorite animal?" Bella continues sensing Kimmi's discomfort with the situation. Bella rips up pieces of the bottom of her shirt into long thin pieces of fabric.

Kimmi makes sure to keep her eyes everywhere but on herself while she answers. "Well my favorites animals are's wolfies. I just loves thems soooo much. My big sister like kitties but wolfies are soooo much better don't you think? Kitties just lie around all day cleaning demselves and don't play at all. AND they scratch you when all's yous wanna dos is petted dem." Kimmi grimaces.

In her mind she is remembering going to pet her sister's cat peanut and said cat turned around and viciously scratched her, seemingly for no reason.

"Why wolves though?" Bella asks as she wraps the homemade bandages around Kimmi's hand, causing my family to snicker, "Why not puppies?"

I also can't help but let out a low chuckle at this.

"Wolfies are soooo much better. Their bigger, and stronger, and they lives with lotsa other wolfies... Puppies are okay I guess... But wolfies are like super puppies! They are everything a puppy is times two. I told my mommy I wanted a wolfie but she said I couldn't." Kimmi says looking around suspiciously before leaning closer to Bella and whispering to her, "That's whys I runned off, I'm looking for my very own wolfie. When mommy sees how much my wolfie loves me she won't ever make me get rid of him. She will let me be with my wolfie forever and ever. I just knows it."

"Oh! I see... Well you know you shouldn't wander too far away from your mommy right? Something bad could have happened to you. What if I didn't find you out here? Plus I am sure your mommy is worried sick about you. I know if I had a daughter like you I would want her close to me at all times because she is so special. Your mom must being going crazy right now wondering if you're okay."

"Well... I guess you're right. But Bella?"

"Yes sweetie?" Bella responds.

"Aren't you gonna kiss my boo boo's better?" Kimmi asks with a small voice.

My whole family, who have been watching Bella, interact with Kimmi with reverence this whole time, suddenly become tense. Every one's mind wonders whether Bella will be able to control herself with being so close to blood. While she has done remarkably well so far no one wants to risk little Kimmi's life by tempting Bella any further. Jasper and Emmett are both debating on retrieving Bella before things get out of hand and she ends up doing something she will later regret.

Before they have a chance to make up their minds Bella leans down and places and gentle kiss on Kimmi's knees and on the palms of each hand. From the looks of her she doesn't seem to be suffering from any blood lust and my family and I stand there looking at my beloved with a whole new sense of disbelief. She was mere millimeters away from fresh, human blood. I don't even know if I would be able to resist the temptation of something as sweet as this. Bella is merely hours old and she has resisted even a taste of the pure, rich, thirst quenching blood. She didn't even hold her breath when she was cleaning Kimmi's cuts and scrapes. She is acting centuries older than she is. It's remarkable.

Not one person in my family, including my family, can understand how Bella can handle being so close to human blood, without giving into temptation. Carlisle and Jasper and the most surprised.

Carlisle's mind is filled with unanswered questions that he is dying to resolve as he watches Bella interact with Kimmi. He is questioning in the reasons Bella isn't attacking her. Is it simply because of her reaction towards blood before her change? Or perhaps because Bella knew what we were and that there were options she somehow resolved herself against drinking human blood. Maybe, even though she forgot about us, just the fact that she knew about our lifestyle choices that were enough for her to commit to it. Without her even needing to try. Carlisle believes her memories are all hiding behind layers of "Blankets" as he thinks of them. He believes, eventually, we will be able to pull each blanket back slowly and in turn wake up the dormant memories.

Jasper keeps testing feeling moods. He can tell she is still thirsty and it is making him anxious about her being so close to this small child. He is tense as he watches Bella treat Kimmi's wounds. I can tell he is prepared to take action in seconds should he need to. The only reason he isn't forcing Bella to leave is because all of the other emotions he feels coming off of Bella. He assesses she is perfectly calm and at ease around Kimmi. Bella is almost felling motherly towards this charming, little girl. Sort of like how Esme feels around us. It's as if she has pushed her thirst to the back of her mind and can only concentrate on taking care of Kimmi.

Once again I find myself wishing I could see into Bella's mind. What I wouldn't give to see how she is experiencing this whole experience through her view. I wish I knew what she was thinking right now. If things were different between us I would just ask her, but seeing how she reacts around me I feel like we won't be able to have a real conversation for quite some time.

Bella picks Kimmi up off the boulder she has sat her on and sets her on her feet on the ground.

"Okay sweet thing, let's go and find your mommy. I'm sure she is going nus looking for you." Bella says taking Kimmi's hand and starts walking toward where we all smell a campfire.

As Bella and Kimmi get back on the path we can smell hotdogs and hamburgers cooking on the campfire. We assume this is Kimmi's mother. I can hear the woman panicked mind from here. She notices her youngest daughter is missing but she doesn't know where she is. It's starting to get dark out and she doesn't have anyone who can watch her other children so she can go look for her. She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to risk her children getting hurt or lost in the woods with Kimmi.

Without another choice the mother gets her children together and prepares them to go and search the woods for their lost family member. Just as they are almost prepared to go Bella and Kimmi arrive just on the outskirts of the clearing where the family is camping.

"Is that your mommy over there, little one?" Bella asks Kimmi.

"Yup. Come Bella, let's go!"

"Nope. Sorry little one. This is where I have to say good bye for now. It was really nice meeting such a wonderful little girl like you and I really hope you get your wolf someday. But please promise me one thing before I go, Okay? I want you to promise me that you won't go running away from your mommy anymore. Okay sweetie?"

"...Okay..." Kimmi says as tears fill her eyes.

In Kimmi's mind I can see that she has grown quite fond of Bella. She wants to "keep" her.

"Bella?"

"Yes, Kimmi?" Bella asks wiping away a stray tear that has made its way down Kimmi's cheek.

"Will..._sniffle_...will I ever see you again?"

"Well... I'm not too sure Kimmi. But how about this. I will promise you that I will do everything in my power to make it that one day we will see each other again. How does that sound? Okay sweet thing?"

"Okay Bella. Bye." Kimmi rushes up to Bella and gives her a big hug and a loud smack of a kiss on the cheek before she turns and walks through the trees and into the clearing.

She turns around and gives Bella a quick wave before she turns and runs over to her mother, who scoops her into her arms as soon as she sees her and covers her in millions of hugs and kisses. Telling her to never run off again.

_**E/A/N: So...? What did you think? This chapter was dedicated to my sister Kim, who little Kimmi was named after. What did you guys think of little Kimmi? Do we have any Alice's in the room? Can anyone predict what I have planned for her...? If anything? Let me know your predictions by leaving me a review and let me know. Also let me know how you think I'm doing with the characters so far? Hope to hear from you all and if I get enough reviews I will update a little early. See I'm still not ashamed of bribery. Muhahaha… **_

_**As always,  
**_

_**Much Love  
Misspink775**_


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